Born Muslim ...but DON'T want to marry a Muslim man?!?

You know how there some stories that are so far out in left field that you have a hard time believing it to be true. Then you get the facts and proof and you're floored! You feel like you've heard it all! That's me. I tell I have see it all. This is how it goes, I met this South African/ American (a little confusing but you gained citizenship) sister, Soumaya, at a function. It was funny how we didn't know one another but somehow ended sitting at a table with all the other brown and black non Arabs. So she was a striking sister. Well dressed, I mean Islamically sophisticated in a nice jilbab, matching hijab and stilletos. We began to make small talk and she told she was expecting her first child. I congratulated her and she went on to tell me that she been trying for six years Mashallah and this was the best feeling to be pregnant. She was beaming and said that her husband was more excited than her. He was 49 and this would be his first child. After the evening was over she gave me her number and invited me to come over. She wanted to meet my son and have an opportunity to play with the baby.

I went by to see her week later and Mashallah her home was absolutely gorgeous. We sat on the pation drinking mango smoothies and watching my son play in the grass. Ever now and again, Soumaya would mention her husband, Marc. I thought it was odd that she called him Marc. Most of the reverts that I knew back in the States always changed their name. Not always legally but still they gave themselves a Muslim name to use in the community. Although, I know theres always exceptions. Soumaya said her parents were going to come from her child's birth and she most happy that her dad would enshallah call the adhan in the baby's ear. I know its neccessary, but I didn't mention it to her. For many its cultural anyway. But what sparked my interest again was why would her dad do it and not her husband? So I asked and she replied very plainly that Marc, her husband, was not Muslim.

I think I looked away and scratched my head in order to gain a little composure. I have never met a Muslima married to a non Muslim. I did speak up about it to her, in the most non confrontation way I knew how to. She didn't take offence. She said she always knew she would never marry a Muslim even as a young child growing up in South Africa. She said she loved her father but he'd never been a good man to her mother and her brothers were the same. I think that was the saddest part of my day. I felt horrible because I felt the exact opposite. I have great Muslim father but my husband can neve measure up to him. I WISHED I had a husband more like my Muslim father and I pray sooner or later Allah allows me to have one. But if not, I think I'd have to agree with Soumaya...I don't want another Muslim man .....like the one I have. I rather be divored and single.

Now on to you....Muslimas who were born Muslim, Muslimas who reverted, Muslimas from the East and West, how do you honestly feel about Muslim men? Is there were no limitations on who we could marry, would a Muslim man be your first choice?

President Elect - Barack Hussein Obama

Yes he did! I think this is a beautiful moment in history. This has been one of the most watched, followed and heavily weighed campaigns in my time and I wanted to recognize the significance of this win for this man.

Im not ashamed to say that I am equally pleased that the President elect has such a beautiful family with many hues of brown- from his daughters to his wife, that the President elect stood before the world and said the love of his life was dark skinned black woman and you could see in his face the pride he felt in that. I think this is profound image, black pride and black love being viable in this world today when countless people of the world and even blacks within the African diaspora doubt it, deny it and are ashamed of it. But he proved people wrong in that too. Yes he did!!

Ofcourse history is still being written but without doubt, I think President elect Obama's landslide win over a wealthy, elderly white man gives instant legitimacy to educated people within the African diaspora. In our lifetime?

Yes, in our lifetime, a qualified black man has earned his place in history and brought his family along as well!

Faking "it"???????

Salam blog world! I have been gone for too long. I have missed you all but unfortunately this dunya is a fitna and I am in the midst of a huge one. Khayr, with every difficulty come ease. Sabr.

I didn't log in to talk about me any way. No way. I went out the other night to the cafe with a couple of local sisters. All very tribal but they have become my "homies" of some sort here. The oldest, "Suzan", I work with and she alerted me earlier in the week that she had been having problems. I knew she meant in her marriage because those are the only problems most married Muslim women have any way, and since I met this sister she has never seemed satisfied with her marriage. Her husband is her cousin and he had always excelled scholastically and she and he were similar in age and there you have it; after she completed college she married him. Now some 15 years later over steaming hot coffee in 100 degree weather I listened with two other sisters as she explained exactly how her problem was affecting her.

Her husband, like many Arabs, was very calculated. He went to work, came home watched TV, had his coffee then prayed at masjid and retired to sleep. He barely talked to "Suzan" or his 3 children let alone spent much intimate time with her. But here's the biggie Suzan said she NEVER, EVER has had ...you know, the big "O"! In fifteen years! Subhan'Allah, I spilled the coffee on my niqab and nearly got a blister on my lip I was choking so hard! And then the two other sisters, "Maha and Nahla", both said they had never experienced it either (9 and 6 years of marriage), they said they fake it always! I could of fell out of my chair. I tried to tell them this was not right Islamically. That it was the sunnah for their husbands to please them and by Allah, for goodness sake, speak kind words to them, but my arabic is weak and they would not accept it. They say this is how marriage is with their men and I'm thinking, not with my husband. But I felt horrified. How can marriage be a protection for the Muslima is she isn't being satisfied emotionally and physically? Is it me or do you all not see this can lead to big fitna?

Suzan told us that she thinks her husband is going to take another wife because she cannot have any more children. She said that if he takes another wife she will run away forever because she does not love him very much. And the kicker was that she said that she always wished that she could marry an American (White)Muslim man so that she can know romance.

Yeah, I know she probably has watched Cindrella one too many times because there are millions of romantically disabled White men in the world too, but I don't know. Allah knows best maybe she is right to some degree. By and large, especially amongst young American men, intimacy seems to be important. It's embedded into the culture and American men seem eager to please their partners (for the most part).

Now here's my question, Suzan certainly has grounds to ask for a khul' from this marriage, but would she have to disclose her reason to her husband or even the qadi if it went that far?

And what would you all do? Keep faking it or try to get out of the marriage and find the intimacy you need?

A new marriage contract available to Muslim women in the UK

New Marriage Contract for UK Muslims


IslamOnline.net & Newspapers


"The document is a challenge to various Shari`ah (Islamic law)
councils who don't believe in gender equality," Siddiqui said.
(Google photo)

CAIRO — British Muslims will unveil Friday, August 8, a new marriage
contract guaranteeing equal rights for Muslim women, a move praised
by both Muslim organizations and women rights advocates.
"In Britain, more marriages are breaking down and young people have
said that we need to update things," Ghayasuddin Siddiqui, Director
of the Muslim Institute and one of the contract's authors, told The
Daily Telegraph.

The new contract emphasizes on mutual consultation and on the
financial independence of the husband and wife.

Under the new document, a husband will have to waive his right to
polygamy.

The contract does not require a "marriage guardian" (wali) for the
bride, and gives the wife the right of divorce while retaining all
her financial rights.

It stresses that "two adult witnesses of good character" (whether
males or females, Muslims or non-Muslims) must be recognized as just
as capable of providing a reputable guarantee of the marriage and
agreed upon terms.

The contract also provides women with written proof of their marriage
and of the terms and conditions agreed between the spouses.

"The document is a challenge to various Shari`ah (Islamic law)
councils who don't believe in gender equality but the world has
changed and Islamic law has to be renegotiated," said Siddiqui.

The current Islamic marriage in Britain is not legally binding and
its contract does not provide written proof of the marriage and of
the terms agreed upon.

The new formula, which took four years to negotiate and create, has
been compiled by the Muslim Institute, a leading Muslim think-tank.

It is backed by leading Muslim groups including the Imams & Mosques
Council, the Muslim Council of Britain and the Muslim Law (Shariah)
Council UK.

There is a sizable Muslim population in Britain estimated at 2
million.

Harmony

The new marriage contract won plaudits from Muslim groups.

"The Muslim Council of Britain (MCB) is pleased to have collaborated
with the Muslim Institute in this important initiative," Reefat
Drabu, the Chair of the MCB Social and Family Affairs Committee, said
in a press release on the Muslim Parliament of Great Britain's
website.

"It meets a pressing need of our communities by explaining in clear
and simple language the importance of marriage, the process leading
to its solemnization and the rights and responsibilities flowing from
it for the parties."

The Muslim leader called for a broader application of the new
document.

"The MCB calls upon all the Imams/Qadis (judges) involved in
performing nikah to use the documentation, as its correct use will
facilitate the success of marriage and will lead to harmonious and
healthy family life."

Ziba Mir-Hoseini, of Centre of Islamic and Middle Eastern Law, said
the new contract is a step in the right direction.

"The launch of the new standard marriage contract is a welcome
initiative, a right step in the right direction, that provides the
Muslims in UK with a model for a harmonious and egalitarian marriage."

Usama Hasan, Director of the Muslim City Circle, said the contract
keeps a breast with modern developments.

"This new Muslim marriage contract is an excellent development, since
it draws on those traditional Islamic legal opinions that are more in
keeping with the spirit of gender equality."

Shahid Raza, Secretary of Imams and Mosques Council (UK), believes
that the new contract will enhance Muslims families' harmony.

"It is a commendable initiative and likely to enhance the family life
of Muslims in Britain."

The new marriage contract also drew appraisal from British lawmakers
and women rights advocates.

"The advice contained will, I am sure, help thousands of young people
and I congratulate the Muslim Institute for having the foresight to
prepare, publish and launch this excellent piece of work," said Ann
Cryer, a Labour MP.

Anne-Marie Hutchinson, a leading family lawyer, echoed a similar
view.

"I am delighted to support this very important and inclusive
initiative."

"It will provide civil law protection to many women and children
through the obligation on the parties to enter into a binding civil
marriage."

Bruises and a blind eye in Italy

http://articles.latimes.com/2008/jul/15/world/fg-polygamy15

Bruises and a blind eye in Italy Tied up in a knot
By Tracy Wilkinson
July 15, 2008

A few miles from the Vatican, Najat Hadi kept house with her husband,
his other wife and their assorted children, an unhappy home with a
hateful woman 10 years her junior and a cruel spouse who left her
with a jagged scar peeking from her collar.

Finally, she says, her Egyptian-born husband, who worked in Rome
making pizzas, beat her so badly that she left him. But he kept her
children.

Thousands of polygamous marriages like Hadi's have sprung up
throughout Italy as a byproduct of a fast-paced and voluminous
immigration by Muslims to this Roman Catholic country.

Despite the obvious culture clash, Italian authorities largely turn a
blind eye, leaving women in a murky semi-clandestine world with few
rights and no recourse when things go especially badly, as they did
in Hadi's case.

"It is absurd that in a civilized country like Italy, so little is
acknowledged about this," said Souad Sbai, a Moroccan-born Italian
lawmaker who has emerged as a one-woman champion of female Muslim
immigrants here.

Italy is one of several European nations faced with the issue of
polygamy. In Britain and Spain, where large Muslim communities have
also settled, some officials favor recognizing polygamous marriage as
a way to ensure the wives' access to pensions, medical care and other
state benefits.

But Sbai, who has lived 27 of her 47 years in Italy, thinks that
misguided attempts at cultural sensitivity backfire when customs that
stray into illegality are tolerated. Italian law sanctions marriage
between a single man and a single woman only.

Sbai estimates that there are 14,000 polygamous families in Italy;
others put the number even higher. Many take advantage of the so-
called orfi marriage, a less formal union performed by an imam, that
does not carry the same social or legal standing as regular marriage.

She is convinced that the polygamists in Italy are practicing a more
fundamentalist and abusive form of multiple marriage. Because they
feel so threatened by the Western culture around them, the men often
imprison their wives and confine them to a life of solitude wholly
dependent on the husband.

"They are kept in a kind of ghetto," Sbai said.

When Sbai recently created a hotline for Muslim immigrant women, she
was inundated with 1,000 calls in the first three months. To her
astonishment, she had tapped into a hidden community of women
desperate for information, many trapped in violent, polygamous
households, isolated and lonely.

Hadi, a Moroccan, had endured beatings and humiliation because she
felt she had nowhere to turn. She said she met and married her
husband in 1987 in Italy, where she was visiting on holiday. They had
a religious ceremony at a local mosque and a legal wedding at the
Egyptian Embassy in Rome. Over the next decade, she gave birth to
four children.

Then, one day in 2000, Hadi returned from a vacation in Egypt, where
she had taken the children to spend time with her husband's family.
In her Rome apartment was a new woman. Her husband had married again
while she was gone.

"I returned and found her in my house," Hadi, 46, said. Hadi said she
at first challenged her husband but then decided there was little she
could do.

"He said, `I've married this woman.' I wanted to know why. I told him
to send her away. He refused. But where could I go with four
children?" She tried to accommodate the other woman, an Egyptian whom
Hadi describes as full of hatred.

"I tried to accept her, for the children," Hadi said. "But she wasn't
a woman with a brain."

Her husband's beatings got worse, landing Hadi repeatedly in the
hospital. The pale scar on her chest is a remnant of the time she
says he took after her with a knife.

Then, about a year and a half ago, he turned on the children. And
that was when she decided she had to go. From other Moroccan women,
she learned of Sbai's center and prepared to file a criminal
complaint against him. But he seized the children and fled to Egypt.
Hadi has not been able to move authorities to help her regain custody.

Sbai, the politician, remembers polygamy from her childhood in
Morocco. There, at least officially, the husband could marry no more
women than he could adequately and justly care for. Here in Italy,
she says, polygamy is often distorted. The immigrant experience is
turned on its head: regression and isolation instead of integration.

Of the hundreds of women Sbai hears from, most are Moroccans and
illiterate, at a much higher percentage rate than in Morocco. That
also tends to isolate them, a condition compounded by mistrust of
Italian authorities and fear of the unknown.

Aliza Kalisa, 50, joined her Moroccan husband in Italy in 2001. They
had been married for many years, but when she arrived in Rome, she
found he had used his time here to take on a second wife.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she recalled asking him.

"I needed a woman here, and you were in Morocco," he responded.

Kalisa was devastated. She lived with her husband, his other wife and
the woman's two children in a one-room apartment, where she was
forced to sleep on the floor and listen as her husband and the
younger woman had sex. He treated her badly, flaunting the second
wife like a prize and forcing Kalisa to do the housework and care for
the children – the second wife's children.

He forced her to fork over all her earnings as a maid in an Italian
family's home. He beat her. Kalisa thinks the other wife delighted in
the abuse she suffered; the woman peppered Kalisa with taunts that
she was the favorite.

"I had been his wife such a long time," Kalisa said. "Then I was like
the servant."

When, at the end of her rope, she threatened to leave, her husband
locked her in the apartment for 10 days. Eventually her screams
prompted an Italian neighbor to call the police, and Kalisa was able
to leave. At Sbai's center, Kalisa is learning to write her name for
the first time.

Zora, a Moroccan who has lived in Italy for 27 years, met and married
an Egyptian in Rome in 1989. Though he swore he was single, it turned
out he had another wife back in Egypt. Zora (who asked that her last
name not be published) learned of the marriage when a grown son from
that union showed up at her Rome apartment.

"I was speechless," said Zora, who is 52 but looks 35.

Zora began to suspect that her husband's son was molesting her son,
who was 6 at the time. The boy was bruised and terrified to be left
alone with his older half-sibling. She, in turn, was terrified to say
anything to her husband. When Zora confirmed that the abuse was
taking place, her anger overcame her fear. She grabbed her son and
fled.

Sbai, the politician, helps women such as Zora get or keep jobs,
however low-paying, and begin to navigate the basics of Italian legal
red tape. Zora, for example, is trying to have her son's name removed
from her husband's passport and added to hers to prevent him from
taking the boy and leaving the country. The women are also receiving
elemental education and are given access to a psychologist, though
counseling has been slow-going because most are reluctant to discuss
their ordeals.

"We are not at the point of integration yet," said the psychologist,
Lucia Basile. After what they have been through, "we first need to
teach them that they have dignity and that they exist."

Hadi, for one, has taken up that cause. As she campaigns for the
return of her children, she has joined Sbai's office, works the
emergency hotline and is reaching out to other Moroccan and immigrant
women to inform them of their rights and opportunities.

"It's always the women," she said, "who pay the price."

wilkinson@...

Court denies Muslim man's talaq as a way to circumvent U.S. law

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/bal-
md.divorce07may07,0,4609441.story

Man's attempt to circumvent state law is rejected

By Nick Madigan | Sun reporter
May 7, 2008

Saying "I divorce thee" three times, as men in Muslim
countries have been able to do for centuries when
leaving their wives, is not enough if you're a
resident of Maryland, the state's highest court ruled
yesterday.

Yesterday, the Court of Appeals rejected a Pakistani
man's argument that his invocation of the Islamic
talaq, under which a marriage is dissolved simply by
the husband's say-so, allowed him to part with his
wife of more than 20 years and deny her a share of his
$2 million estate.

The justices affirmed a lower court's decision
overturning a divorce decree obtained in Pakistan by
Irfan Aleem, a World Bank economist who moved from
London to Maryland with his wife, Farah Aleem, in
1985.

Both of their children were born in the United States.

In 2003, Aleem's wife filed for divorce in Montgomery
County Circuit Court.

When he filed a counterclaim, he did not object to the
court's jurisdiction over the case, according to the
ruling. But before the legal process could be
completed - and without telling his wife - Aleem went
to the Pakistani Embassy in Washington and invoked the
talaq, in effect attempting to turn jurisdiction of
the case over to a Pakistani court that later granted
him a divorce.

When they were married in Karachi in 1980, Farah Aleem
was 18 and had just graduated from high school. Irfan
Aleem was 29, a doctoral candidate at Oxford
University in England. As is customary, the couple
signed a marriage contract. It obligated Aleem to give
his wife the equivalent of $2,500 in the event of
their divorce. When they split, he did so, and claimed
he owed her nothing more.

Maryland's highest court disagreed.

"If we were to affirm the use of talaq, controlled as
it is by the husband, a wife, a resident of this
state, would never be able to consummate a divorce
action filed by her in which she seeks a division of
marital property," the judges wrote in their decision.

They said the talaq "directly deprives the wife of the
due process she is entitled to when she initiates
divorce litigation."

Priya R. Aiyar, an attorney for Irfan Aleem, said
yesterday from Washington that she had been unable to
reach her client to tell him he had lost his appeal.
Until she does, Aiyar said, she would have no comment
on the case.

Jeffrey M. Geller, a lawyer for Farah Aleem, did not
return a call seeking comment.

Experts in Islamic law and religion who are based in
the U.S. said they agreed with the court's ruling.
Abdullahi An-Na'im, a Muslim scholar and law professor
at Emory University in Atlanta, said "there can only
be one law of the land."

An-Na'im, who wrote Islam and the Secular State:
Negotiating the Future of Shari'a, said that "if
Muslims wish to influence what the law of the state
says, they must do so through the normal political
process and in accordance with civic discourse that is
equally open for debate by all citizens, and not on
the basis of religious beliefs."

Julie Macfarlane, a law professor at the University of
Windsor, Ontario, who has spent two years on a
research project titled "Understanding Islamic Divorce
in North America," said she was surprised that Aleem
had tried to force the notion of talaq on a U.S.
court.

"It's unclear how he even thought he was going to make
a successful legal argument on this point," Macfarlane
said.

Many North American Muslim religious leaders, known as
imams, now treat a woman's request for a divorce as a
right, Macfarlane said, an evolution from the common
scenario under which she may split up with her husband
only if he consents.

"The theory of Islamic law is that the man has the
right and that the woman has to ask for it, but what's
fascinating is that in practice, Islamic divorce is
evolving to fit contemporary mores," she said. "Women
are asking for divorce now. Two decades ago, they were
not."

Muneer Fareed, secretary-general of the Islamic
Society of North America, said that if Aleem had
traveled to Pakistan and invoked his talaq there, it
might have been recognized in a U.S. court under the
concept of comity, under which nations accept the
premise of a law in another country "whether or not we
agree with the law or its spirit."

But Aleem, he said, attempted to circumvent any such
agreements.

"There was a certain lack of faith here because the
husband initiated the talaq after his wife had filed
for divorce," Fareed said. "He was trying to defeat
the ends of justice within the American legal system."

Sister Myra Pleads Guilty

AP) A woman pleaded guilty Friday to third-degree murder for killing her bigamist husband in August, hours before he was to fly to Morocco to visit his new, second wife.

Myra Morton, 48, resented the marriage and her husband's plans to have children with the younger woman. She shot her spouse of 25 years, Jereleigh Morton, twice in the head while he slept, and blamed the crime on an intruder.

She faces about five to 20 years in prison.

Defense lawyers acknowledge the crime was intentional, but say it stemmed from the damaged psyche of a humiliated, aging woman still depressed over the death of a teenage child years earlier.

"The idea that this man was now going to marry another woman, and provide her with money that came from a dead child's lawsuit recovery, was too much to bear," lawyer Brian McMonagle said.

"That's why we were able to convince prosecutors that it wasn't a cold-blooded, premeditated murder," McMonagle said. "All the things in her life led to a breaking point."

Myra Morton spent about 20 years working at Temple University as a secretary before she and her husband, a handyman, received a reported $8 million medical settlement in 2005 over their daughter's death. They moved with their surviving daughter from a North Philadelphia row house to a $1 million home in the tree-lined suburb of Blue Bell.

The Mortons had converted to Islam about 20 years ago. Roaming the Internet
(AP Photo)in late 2006, Jereleigh Morton met a Moroccan woman and soon arranged to marry.

In keeping with Muslim custom, Myra Morton traveled to Morocco to bless his March 2007 marriage to 37-year-old Zahra Toural. But police say Morton grew to resent the arrangement, at least in part because her husband was sending Toural $3,000 a month.

Her husband, 47, allegedly told her to divorce him if she didn't like it, police said.

As part of the plea, prosecutors agreed not to seek more than a 10-year prison term, although the judge can go higher. Sentencing was deferred for several months while a pre-sentence report is prepared.

"Today is the first step toward really getting to the truth of the case," Assistant District Attorney Steven Latzer said Friday.

Third-degree murder in Pennsylvania involves malice, an element that separates it from manslaughter.

"We always said it was a murder case. She pleaded to murder today," he said.

The Mortons' adult daughter and her family are slated to inherit the Mortons' assets under a law that prevents killers from profiting from their crimes, Latzer said.

However, Toural recently filed a defamation lawsuit against Myra Morton, charging that she falsely told the U.S. State Department that Toural had terrorist ties in an effort to keep her out of the country.

"All she (Morton) cares about are that her daughter and her granddaughter get their inheritance, and are provided for," McMonagle said. "That is always a concern, particularly when you have so many hands reaching for this money."


May Allah forgive sister Myra of her sin, grant her patience with her trial and increase her in Iman, ameen.

Perhaps the sisters in the states should write to judge asking for leniency on the sister.

Muslim men in America: There's plenty to spare

Well, well, well, finally some concrete good news. Looks like there isn't a shortage of Muslim men in America afterall, infact, it's just the opposite. There's a shortage of Muslim women! Says who? Says the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life who have released a new survey on the religious landscape of the United States. I suggest all Muslims in America take a good look at the data and see how it pertains to you and/or your family, especially sisters. Note of positive advice:Sisters before you consider settling in marriage as third or forth wife with a brother whose current families are receiving public aid or marrying the brother who is fresh out of a correctional facility with no marketable skills or a brother who is known to be an abuser (drugs, achohol or violence) - take a look at this survey. Look to where the eligible Muslim brothers are residing and plot and plan for a hbetter, happier life.

http://pewforum.org/

When to call the Police on a Muslim man?

I thought, at the very least, adult Muslim women would know when to call the Police on a Muslim man who abuses them. Apparently this isn't the case. Over the years in gatherings with sisters the questions of abuse have come up and the tone of conversation have always bothered me because the sister questioner would always be defensive as if she had to prove that she wasn't worthy of constant beat downs. What's even crazier is that many times, it is not the brothers who are the hardest on abused sisters, it's other SISTERS! Sisters who some how think they are enjoying the good, but are actually ignorant. And Im not saying this lightly, but when you see another Muslim being abused and you go out of your way to advise them that they need to have more patience and to "fix" their eman, you are ignorant. It's digusting and apalling how we sisters treat one another in our times of need. Which is why I thought I would put together this PSA entitled: When to call the Police on a Muslim man:

1. When random shoves suddenly turn into weekly hits, slaps, punches, kicks or pushes

2. When he is physically violent with you infront of your children; even if it isn't physical - call the Police. If he curses and degrades you in front of your children, he has very little if any respect for you and more than likely he will eventually fly off the handle while your children are present. Call the Police!

3. He spits in your face; this is something that may be not be a common habit for American men who are abusers but I know several American Muslimas married to Arab, Pakistanian and even Turkish brothers who suffered with this digusting behavior for years. Many times the spitting escalated into physical violence. Spitting is a clear sign of disrespect. Call the Police!

4. He abuses you during intercourse. No I'm not talking about the play cuffs or blindfolds that yo enjoy, but actual physical violence. Many sisters often had told me that the abuse would begin before intercourse with their husband actually knocking them unconcious to which they wold awaken to him being even more violent with them while basically engaging in what most would deem to be rape. This is serious and dangerous. Put the Police on speed dial!

5. He threatens you with a weapon his actually owns. This again, I would think would be a no brainer, but it isn't. A sister really asked me what she should do when her husband threathens her with his gun!?! Call the Police.

Why not call the Masjid or another trusted friend of your husband?

In the West, most men with positions in masajid do not have the eman or resources to offer that will make a substantial difference in abuse cases. Many brothers, especially friends of the abusers, are not going to want to jeopardize their friendships or often they just dont want to deal with their friend's transgression. The ones that do care and are willing to stick their necks out are few and far in between and again the level of their support may not make much difference.

Should I have patience with an abusive husband?

And be steadfast. Allah does not let the wage of good-doers go to waste. (Surah Hud, 115)

As Muslims we are to have patience and trust and rely on Allah. If you wish to remain married to an abusive husband, that is your own choice. What you shouldn't do, especially if you have children, is stay within a household with someone who physically harms you and/or does other things that jeopardizes your health and well being. Be patient and make all the dua you want for him on the other side of town where you are safe and your children are safe.


Should I let my non Muslim family know that I am being abused?

Absolutely. Your shahadah doesn't negate family ties. They are your family and will always be. If you have a father, brothers and uncles that are able to help you, then let them help you. I remember hearing one sister telling another sister that she shouldn't let the disbelievers in on "Muslim business" and I was infuriated. Again, sisters we've got to do better with each other. If you fear that revealing the state of your marriage to a Muslim man will turn your non Muslim family off from Islam, think what will happen if you are killed at the hands of a Muslim man? How will they view Islam then? The truth is that Allah guides whom He wills. Domestic abuse is not uniqe to Islam. All people from all places and of all ages fall into domestic violence. Where we as Muslims need to do better is by recognizing the problem and speaking against it. A Muslim brother with a hsitory of violence ought not be able to marry in the same community that he abused others in until he has proven that he has received professional help and has ongoing assistance in place. It's a small step, it won't help everyone, but it's better than contining to ignore this mountainous problem that we have in the ummah.


Later, I'll talk about domestic abuse in Muslim countries, it's different ball game all together. But I have some pointers, I'd like to share nonetheless inshallah.

My first dance with my man!

Sometime last year I had wrote about all of the *milestones* many American girls have such being asked out on a date, going to a prom or dancing the night away. Alhamdlilah, I don't regret any of that stuff and know the enormity of the blessing in having been protected from it in general. Even still I dont have regrets, I have always wanted to dance with someone. You know, a nice slow dance just seems romantic and somewhat peaceful. After I wed Mr. Muslim I tried on plenty of occassion to make him dance with me. Alhamdulilah, hes not like some Muslim men who think playing with their wife can only happen in the bed. No, that isn't his problem. Mr.Muslim's problem is his feet. He has two left feet and couldnt catch a rhythm even if Debbi Allen broke it down for him. All of that has changed though. After all of these years of waiting for the perfect slow dance, I got my first dance with no one other than my sweet Saud. Nevermind that it was two am and he had already nursed and been changed and I was exhausted. He wanted to be held. He wanted to be rocked. What else could I do but get up and dance with him? Allah is great, we didnt need any music or lyrics or anything...just the two of us. I hummed and swayed and he held on and soon fell asleep. Gotta love the little Muslim men. May Allah bless Saud and all of the other Muslim boys who are great comforts to their mothers.

Shhhhhhhhh, the baby is sleeping.

Alhamdulilah, Saud arrived last yaumul Jumu'ah at 1:25 in the afternoon and I couldn't be more in awe of the greatness of Allah and His ability to fashion his creation in the best way. Right now I have a perfect son with ten toes and ten fingers and two eyes and two ears, a nose and mouth and well, Alhamdulilah that's all that matters.