Muslim women need solutions, not excuses

I really didn't expect to receive as many comments as I did for the blog Muslim women of color and the choice of men. Many thanks to brother Tariq for linking to it. I'd also like to say that I thought all the comments were thought provoking and well written. If nothing more I honestly appreciated the imput. Marriage and race sensitive subjects and I think everyone handled my blog whether they agreed with it or not very maturely.

Alright so that was sweet stuff. Moving on to the bitter. The thing is I completely agree that the causes of the situation amongst our sisters and brothers are vast. What bothered me is that none of those who disgreed with my point of view offered any solutions. Over and over again it was mentioned that I was being too hard on Muslim men of color or too easy on Arab/Asian Muslim men but not a word was written that actually dealt with the topic which was the state of our sisters. Collectively the message I gathered was, "sister, its too bad that you Muslim women of color are unhappy, oppressed, abused and devalued -- just don't talk about US (or our men) because x,y,and z." Truth is, I could keep quiet and take that route, but I recognize the importance and right of not only my own happiness and safety as a Musleemah but also my sisters.


I'll say it again, there are probably a million reasons for the state of our sisters and brothers of color (specifically from afro/caribean/latin disporas) having the problems that they have. And we all can tell stories of those who have broke the mold to become shinning examples of upright Muslim families. We do need to have more talk about those sisters and brother who are doing good and raising strong Muslim families to combat the other harsher pictures out there. Yet, the harsher pictures are the truth and we have to deal with them.

For instance, I remember about 5 years ago when I living in the states a swarm of African American brother leaving from several different cities headed towards North Africa. Were they going to make hijrah? No! Were they going to study Islam and Arabic? Nope? What it was was that they had got the hook up in a Morrocan village where it was said that they had "tons of women" who wouldn't ask for much (in terms of mahr) and were willing to go live in America (with strangers). For the record all the brothers were not the creme of the crop. Some of them I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Though there were some who were good catches. Very nice brothers Mashallah who most in the communities would vouch for. They're still very nice brothers and they have gone on to become really great husbands, Alhamdulilah. I don't have any problems with interracial marriages. I'm all for it obviously. What I do have a problem with is brothers (the most of who took issue with my call for Muslim women of color to marry outside of their norms) who will jump over rows of good Muslim sistas of color from the west with no problems or concerns and then have a mouth full of hot air to say things like, "it's known that Middle Eastern men don't go for black women," when their counterparts are encouraged to look in the same (assumingly) green pastures they themselves have found comfort in?

Was it a hurt ego that makes the claws come out like that brother? Allah has given women the ability to be women and all that that entails such as being feminine, charming, kind and sweet. This womaness is enhanced for the Musleemah inshallah as we have been given the best of adab and akhlaq to shower our mate with. I don't think any women of any one color has less appeal than other women of other colors/ethnicities. Attraction may start with physical aspects, but for it to grow lots of different areas have to be there. I think Muslim women by nature are suited better for interracial marriages than non Muslim women. This ummah is big Alhamdulilah and we start interacting and learning to adapt to various cultures within the ummah early on.

Interestingly enough I have yet to meet a sister of any color say that her problem was attracting brothers and I have friends of all races, sizes and ages. The problem is the TYPE of brothers they are attracting and the TYPE of brothers that themselves are attracted to. There are many sisters of color who are stuck on brothers from hard backgrounds (especially African Americans). Street brothers or thuggish brothers etc. Wallahi, they have a strong following and it's like the farther down on their luck they are the more sisters are willing to give (sacrifice) of themselves to keep the brothers afloat.

I don't blame the brothers. I'm not blaming the brothers. This is Musleemah to Musleemah talk. We need to do better for ourselves and for our children as Musleem woman and that can't happen until we make some hard decision and choose to make better choices for our own survival and livelihood. And again, I know someone is going to come out the woodworks and say how their husband came off deathrow by the mercy of Allah, worked 3 jobs and was a better paten than that of their type A ex Muslim husband from bangladesh who wasn't man enough to do and for that I'll join you in saying Alhamdulilah. May Allah keep you both and give that wonderful Muslim man and men like that their full reward. It happens, just not for the majority. For the majority of women, Muslim or not, marrying an ex-con/ex drug dealer/addict/con man/pimp isn't going get you happily ever after. What it might get you is an STD or two, bills, some heartache and other sorts of fitna. Why take that chance from the beginning? Why procreate with someone who may not be able to provide for his ownself much less for a wife or children? It doesn't add up.

What is the solution? That is the question. How can sisters who are stuck being serial divorcees find happiness in marriage? How can Muslim women find good Muslim men of ANY color? What type of changes do Muslim women especially Muslim women of color need to make in themselves inorder to break the cycle of bad marriages for themselves and inshallah as well as their children? What are Muslim women of color not doing that we need to do?

I posted one solution already. Inshallah, now here is your chance to post yours.

Muslim women of color and the choice of men....

Im of mixed heritage, Guyanese and Native American. But I grew up identifying closely with African American/Black girls in terms of my behavior and outlook. Though due to the community in which I grew up most friends I had in my neighborhood as a youngsters were either Indian or Pakistanian.

I did have two African American friends, Hajar, who I wrote about before and then Maleekah. Hajar and Maleekah were both born Muslim and have Muslim families and were good Muslim girls. Although, unfornately many (not all!) of the Pakistanian and Indian sisters who I grew up with and who I love for the sake of Allah, have gone on to become "cultural" Muslims. My definition of a cultural Muslim is someone who was born and raised in a practicing Muslim home but grew up to become either very laxed in their application of Islam or completely non practicing. The only real claim most cultural Muslims have is to the "culture" of Islam that they may still fondly cherish. And may Allah guide them and us all.

But that's not what I am wanted to write about. What I wanted to write about is Muslim women of color, specifically us brown and black Musleemat and the type of men we choose for marriage. My two African American friends have both as I said been wonderful friends to me. I talk to them both atleast twice a month, (which is a lot considering how expensive it is to call the States from here). The thing is that both are divorced. Hajar has been divorced many times and has a couple of children from those marriages and Maleekah just recently went through her first divorce after waiting many years to wed and is expecting her first baby all by herself. While myself and all my Indian and Pakistanian friends , some of who have less zeal (not all!) for Islam than either Hajar or Maleekah, have been married for many years and have seemingly happy and solid relationships with their husbands.

What could be the problem? That's what I spent 56 minutes talking with Maleekah about a couple of days ago. Now, she thought my conclusions were very controversial so if today you're feeling a bit sensitive now would be the best time to exit my blog. For the rest of you hanging strong, these are my opinions based on my own observations. If you differ, which I expect some will, feel free to leave a comment.

Hajar and Maleeka both have only been married to African American men, mostly reverts to Islam. My other friends all married to either raised Muslims who are Arabs (as I am), white Americans or Asian Muslim men. I'll be blunt from here on out. The problem that I see many religious Muslim sisters of color have with marriage or staying married is that they chose the wrong men to marry from the beginning. And to be even more blunt, religious Muslim women of color have the hardest of times with African American and Latino brothers. Yeah, I know it hurts to put it out there like that, but it needs to be said. Don't take it the wrong way. It's not meant to be a put down of western minority Muslim men. I will actually be the first to say that Alhamdulilah there are some wonderful Black and Latino Muslim men out there in the world who are great, loving, hard working family men who are productive members of their Muslim communities. Though they are an endangered group. Inshallah I am hoping they can make a fierce come back because they're needed, though right now every time a sister of color tells me that she is going through it in her marriage it's at the hands of a Black or Latino Muslim man.

From lying to laziness to cheating/polygyny to extreme poverty to physical and mental abuse to insert whatever problem you want black/brown Muslim women are at the top of the list enduring it. That's a problem and we really need to change that.



What I know to be a good remedy to this problem is for our sisters to make better husband selections. Know the type of men who you need to steer clear of and choose the opposite. To do this you dont have to x off brothers of those beautiful darker hues that many of you prefer. Allah has made all types of Muslim men and the best thing is that we are blessed in that Islam is found every where on this earth. Black and brown Muslim women are really not disadvantaged as many would have us fooled to believe. There's the whole continent of Africa where Allah has put some of the most beautiful Muslim men of color in the world at in places like Nigeria, Ghana, Ethiopia, Egypt, Morroco, Somalia, Sudan and Eriteria and it's an added plus with our North African brothers because they are Arabic speakers. There are also really beautiful brown Muslim men in South east Asia in countries such as Indonesia, Brunei, Malaysia and the Phillippines just to name a few and what I love about South east Asia is that you find many of our brothers there are well versed in the Qur'an. For those sisters who are not hung up on color there are an increasing number of White American and European brothers out there single, looking and open to interracial marriage with brown and black women. Our middle eastern brothers are also a wonderful option and it seems that Musleemat of color are least likely to consider marrying this way for a number of reasons but mostly sisters tell me that they feel that our Arab brothers are only interested in our White western sisters. That could be the farthest from the truth. If you're single and know of a good single Arab brother in your community, go ahead and enquire about him. Insha'Allah, you'd be surprise how many Arabs would prefer women of color. I would suggest marrying our brothers from Yemen, but I'm biased lol. If you can snag a Saudi, Allahu Akbar, even better. It's not impossible. I actually do know of two African American sisters who are married to Saudis and they have beautiful stable, long term marriages.


I can't say I know the reason why marriages amongst western minority Muslims are doing so poorly. Allahu Alim. We may never know. What's apparent is that black and brown sisters need good husbands. Babies are being made and these Muslim children need and have to be raised upon Islam in healthy and loving environments with strong Muslim male role models. And I know someone is thinking it, but it should already be known that the first qualities that any Muslim woman looking to wed must put foremost importance on is the religion and character of any prospects she has. I dont want anyone to leave a comment and say, "who cares about race, deen is most important anyway." Good, strong deen is the most important asset a man can have. There, I said it for you and more importantly I believe it. Now, let's move on because in order to get your the rent or house paid and to have a harmonious marriage brothers need to be well rounded in all areas of life and not just in his pursuit of deeni knowldge.

Other things sisters can do besides not choosing men that statistically don't do well in marriages is to look into his traits. Let's face it bad husbands can and are found in all races, the percentages are just a little different. What to do now? Look at his family and upbringing. Are his parents alive? If so, are they still married? Or was he raised in a single headed family? Did he grow up around domestic violence? How many of his siblings (especially brothers) are in good, strong marriages? How many of his siblings are divorced? Is he previously married? If so, how many times? How many sexual partners has he had (before and after Islam, if he is a revert)?

Do you get the picture? You have to dig deep and be vigilant about finding a match for your own values as a Muslim wife. You have to know already that you deserve good and will not accept less than, half way or left overs. It does require hard work on your part and the part of those assisting you Inshallah to marry a good Muslim man. But You can find him and he can be a great Muslim husband inshallah. You can! Believe that. Trust in that Allah does provide and that whatever you want and desire Allah can give it to you in this life as well as in the hereafter. You can acheive it, inshallah.

Westerners 'are more promiscuous'

If you have time, read this article. This just reiterates to me that Muslims are following their non Muslim counter parts as the prophet Muhammad (saaws) had forewarned. In the west, it's very common for a Muslim woman/man (especially minorities) to marry early, divorce, and then marry and divorce again and again. Islamically, there is no sin involved as long as the marriage was legally contracted before the intimacy took place and Muslims are quick to point this out defensively. True, let's move past the surface. Our communities are sufferring. The psychological strain of this type of abnormal pattern (whether its being committed by a Muslim woman or man) and it's foundations are clear cut, it's a sickness. Healthy and strong families cannot maintain themselves when its leaders are involved in promiscuous behaviors-halal or not.

"People in western countries tend to have more sexual partners than those in the developing world, a study says."

Who would of thunk it?!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6101970.stm