When to call the Police on a Muslim man?

I thought, at the very least, adult Muslim women would know when to call the Police on a Muslim man who abuses them. Apparently this isn't the case. Over the years in gatherings with sisters the questions of abuse have come up and the tone of conversation have always bothered me because the sister questioner would always be defensive as if she had to prove that she wasn't worthy of constant beat downs. What's even crazier is that many times, it is not the brothers who are the hardest on abused sisters, it's other SISTERS! Sisters who some how think they are enjoying the good, but are actually ignorant. And Im not saying this lightly, but when you see another Muslim being abused and you go out of your way to advise them that they need to have more patience and to "fix" their eman, you are ignorant. It's digusting and apalling how we sisters treat one another in our times of need. Which is why I thought I would put together this PSA entitled: When to call the Police on a Muslim man:

1. When random shoves suddenly turn into weekly hits, slaps, punches, kicks or pushes

2. When he is physically violent with you infront of your children; even if it isn't physical - call the Police. If he curses and degrades you in front of your children, he has very little if any respect for you and more than likely he will eventually fly off the handle while your children are present. Call the Police!

3. He spits in your face; this is something that may be not be a common habit for American men who are abusers but I know several American Muslimas married to Arab, Pakistanian and even Turkish brothers who suffered with this digusting behavior for years. Many times the spitting escalated into physical violence. Spitting is a clear sign of disrespect. Call the Police!

4. He abuses you during intercourse. No I'm not talking about the play cuffs or blindfolds that yo enjoy, but actual physical violence. Many sisters often had told me that the abuse would begin before intercourse with their husband actually knocking them unconcious to which they wold awaken to him being even more violent with them while basically engaging in what most would deem to be rape. This is serious and dangerous. Put the Police on speed dial!

5. He threatens you with a weapon his actually owns. This again, I would think would be a no brainer, but it isn't. A sister really asked me what she should do when her husband threathens her with his gun!?! Call the Police.

Why not call the Masjid or another trusted friend of your husband?

In the West, most men with positions in masajid do not have the eman or resources to offer that will make a substantial difference in abuse cases. Many brothers, especially friends of the abusers, are not going to want to jeopardize their friendships or often they just dont want to deal with their friend's transgression. The ones that do care and are willing to stick their necks out are few and far in between and again the level of their support may not make much difference.

Should I have patience with an abusive husband?

And be steadfast. Allah does not let the wage of good-doers go to waste. (Surah Hud, 115)

As Muslims we are to have patience and trust and rely on Allah. If you wish to remain married to an abusive husband, that is your own choice. What you shouldn't do, especially if you have children, is stay within a household with someone who physically harms you and/or does other things that jeopardizes your health and well being. Be patient and make all the dua you want for him on the other side of town where you are safe and your children are safe.


Should I let my non Muslim family know that I am being abused?

Absolutely. Your shahadah doesn't negate family ties. They are your family and will always be. If you have a father, brothers and uncles that are able to help you, then let them help you. I remember hearing one sister telling another sister that she shouldn't let the disbelievers in on "Muslim business" and I was infuriated. Again, sisters we've got to do better with each other. If you fear that revealing the state of your marriage to a Muslim man will turn your non Muslim family off from Islam, think what will happen if you are killed at the hands of a Muslim man? How will they view Islam then? The truth is that Allah guides whom He wills. Domestic abuse is not uniqe to Islam. All people from all places and of all ages fall into domestic violence. Where we as Muslims need to do better is by recognizing the problem and speaking against it. A Muslim brother with a hsitory of violence ought not be able to marry in the same community that he abused others in until he has proven that he has received professional help and has ongoing assistance in place. It's a small step, it won't help everyone, but it's better than contining to ignore this mountainous problem that we have in the ummah.


Later, I'll talk about domestic abuse in Muslim countries, it's different ball game all together. But I have some pointers, I'd like to share nonetheless inshallah.

My first dance with my man!

Sometime last year I had wrote about all of the *milestones* many American girls have such being asked out on a date, going to a prom or dancing the night away. Alhamdlilah, I don't regret any of that stuff and know the enormity of the blessing in having been protected from it in general. Even still I dont have regrets, I have always wanted to dance with someone. You know, a nice slow dance just seems romantic and somewhat peaceful. After I wed Mr. Muslim I tried on plenty of occassion to make him dance with me. Alhamdulilah, hes not like some Muslim men who think playing with their wife can only happen in the bed. No, that isn't his problem. Mr.Muslim's problem is his feet. He has two left feet and couldnt catch a rhythm even if Debbi Allen broke it down for him. All of that has changed though. After all of these years of waiting for the perfect slow dance, I got my first dance with no one other than my sweet Saud. Nevermind that it was two am and he had already nursed and been changed and I was exhausted. He wanted to be held. He wanted to be rocked. What else could I do but get up and dance with him? Allah is great, we didnt need any music or lyrics or anything...just the two of us. I hummed and swayed and he held on and soon fell asleep. Gotta love the little Muslim men. May Allah bless Saud and all of the other Muslim boys who are great comforts to their mothers.

Shhhhhhhhh, the baby is sleeping.

Alhamdulilah, Saud arrived last yaumul Jumu'ah at 1:25 in the afternoon and I couldn't be more in awe of the greatness of Allah and His ability to fashion his creation in the best way. Right now I have a perfect son with ten toes and ten fingers and two eyes and two ears, a nose and mouth and well, Alhamdulilah that's all that matters.