Salam blog world! I have been gone for too long. I have missed you all but unfortunately this dunya is a fitna and I am in the midst of a huge one. Khayr, with every difficulty come ease. Sabr.
I didn't log in to talk about me any way. No way. I went out the other night to the cafe with a couple of local sisters. All very tribal but they have become my "homies" of some sort here. The oldest, "Suzan", I work with and she alerted me earlier in the week that she had been having problems. I knew she meant in her marriage because those are the only problems most married Muslim women have any way, and since I met this sister she has never seemed satisfied with her marriage. Her husband is her cousin and he had always excelled scholastically and she and he were similar in age and there you have it; after she completed college she married him. Now some 15 years later over steaming hot coffee in 100 degree weather I listened with two other sisters as she explained exactly how her problem was affecting her.
Her husband, like many Arabs, was very calculated. He went to work, came home watched TV, had his coffee then prayed at masjid and retired to sleep. He barely talked to "Suzan" or his 3 children let alone spent much intimate time with her. But here's the biggie Suzan said she NEVER, EVER has had ...you know, the big "O"! In fifteen years! Subhan'Allah, I spilled the coffee on my niqab and nearly got a blister on my lip I was choking so hard! And then the two other sisters, "Maha and Nahla", both said they had never experienced it either (9 and 6 years of marriage), they said they fake it always! I could of fell out of my chair. I tried to tell them this was not right Islamically. That it was the sunnah for their husbands to please them and by Allah, for goodness sake, speak kind words to them, but my arabic is weak and they would not accept it. They say this is how marriage is with their men and I'm thinking, not with my husband. But I felt horrified. How can marriage be a protection for the Muslima is she isn't being satisfied emotionally and physically? Is it me or do you all not see this can lead to big fitna?
Suzan told us that she thinks her husband is going to take another wife because she cannot have any more children. She said that if he takes another wife she will run away forever because she does not love him very much. And the kicker was that she said that she always wished that she could marry an American (White)Muslim man so that she can know romance.
Yeah, I know she probably has watched Cindrella one too many times because there are millions of romantically disabled White men in the world too, but I don't know. Allah knows best maybe she is right to some degree. By and large, especially amongst young American men, intimacy seems to be important. It's embedded into the culture and American men seem eager to please their partners (for the most part).
Now here's my question, Suzan certainly has grounds to ask for a khul' from this marriage, but would she have to disclose her reason to her husband or even the qadi if it went that far?
And what would you all do? Keep faking it or try to get out of the marriage and find the intimacy you need?
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9 comments:
Wow! You go away and come back with a doosie! How is your little man.
As for Suzy, is her dh a good husband and the only thing lacking is a good smackin'? If so she might as well satay with him or be ready to be alone. She is used goods with kids. since he is her cousin there goes the her other options. In this part of the world divorced women who remarry usually either marry a cousin and/or get in poly. So since that's not what she wants she must not mind being alone.
Anyway, how do these women know 'to' and for that matter 'how' to fake it?
Used goods?!!! Not here in America! It probably wouldn't be difficult for her to marry a white Muslim man if that is what she wants.
Anyhow. The kuhl. I don't see where she has grounds for it until she has tried to resolve the problem with her husband, i.e., talk to him about her needs.
That is: if she has any. Perhaps she doesn't know what she is missing.
She says she doesn't love him like that anyhow.
But don't be surprised. Many women have never experienced the big O.
ummadam, good to see you. Baby boy is growing and getting chunky. alhamdulilah for motherhood, he keeps me sane. And your right about the whole deal with divorced women but I think...Allahu alim, things are s.l.o.w.l.y changing here. I know of two sisters, one was married to a government official who divorced at 42 and remarried in less than a year to different government official. He was widowed. The other sister was 29 with two young children and had been seeking khul almost since the time she married. Once the marriage was over she married a Brit. So I think this has given Suzan some hope.
And c'mon sis, I think faking it is a universal skill - if you need to do it, you just know how and when to utilize it, lol - that's if you need it!
Saffiyah, I disagree with you. I think Suzan has very valid reasons to be granted a divorce. Marriage in Islam is not a prison sentence. There is no 'til death do you part' in the sunnah. She's not happy in the marriage or in the marital bed -- that's enough to cause women without taqwa to cheat and since cheating is a major sin, whatever leads to major sins has to be protected against. If a man can't satisfy his wife, give her a baby, provide for her financially -those are all grounds for divorce.
Salaams Sis:
You are right; all I am saying is that perhaps it would benefit her soul to talk with her husband. Maybe things can be worked out and she would then be happy. Who knows? After that, if things are still to her disliking, so much that it affects her deen, she would be perfectly within her rights to seek kuhl.
It is said that of all permissible things, divorce is what shakes Allah (swt) throne.
Marriage is half of our deen BECAUSE it can be so much work. But all that work can sometimes bring forth intimacy (not sexual) in a marriage. It's worth it to try to make it work first.
May Allah (swt) bless and guide her/Ameen.
I think a lot of women think of s*x as just another chore right up there with laundry and washing dishes. That's pretty sad to me. I have to put a lot of the blame on women though. If she's always faking it to keep her man's pride going he will never know that she isn't enjoying. I'm quite sure if a man knew his wife wasn't satified he would feel deflated. If you're screaming and yelling why would he doubt he is doing anythign wrong. There has to be some communication about this issue. s*x is a bonding experience between a husband and wife. a physical expression of love and something that can keep your relationship grounded. It's not the cure for everything, but man it sure helps.
Sadly this is all too common in our Ummah, mostly because of the lack of education on the subject. Most likely if she tells her husband she's been faking all those years, he will feel like less of a man, but inshaAllah he could get over it and realize what a sacrifice she's been making all that time, and learn to do what's right.
Asalamu Walaikum Sis,
Nice to see you around, masha Allah. I am not remembering where you are--but FGM is practiced through out the Muslim lands. Yemen has an estimated 25%, but other countries have more, google it.
If that is the case with these sisters, then divorce really won't give them any satisfaction :(
Love and Peace,
~Brooke AKA Ummbadier
If you are unhappy in a marriage, then isnt that a valid reason to divorce. Majority of people dont just get divorced easily especially when there are children involved, so it is not a light decision. Why should a woman have to explain herself to anyone?
Apparently only 25% of women orgasm through intercourse. If he is a willing participant then i am sure they can spice up their sex life, maybe orgasming through oral sex or masturbation.
@last anonymous, oral sex and msturbation are not permissible in islam.
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