Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Muslim women need solutions, not excuses


I really didn't expect to receive as many comments as I did for the blog Muslim women of color and the choice of men. Many thanks to brother Tariq for linking to it. I'd also like to say that I thought all the comments were thought provoking and well written. If nothing more I honestly appreciated the imput. Marriage and race sensitive subjects and I think everyone handled my blog whether they agreed with it or not very maturely.

Alright so that was sweet stuff. Moving on to the bitter. The thing is I completely agree that the causes of the situation amongst our sisters and brothers are vast. What bothered me is that none of those who disgreed with my point of view offered any solutions. Over and over again it was mentioned that I was being too hard on Muslim men of color or too easy on Arab/Asian Muslim men but not a word was written that actually dealt with the topic which was the state of our sisters. Collectively the message I gathered was, "sister, its too bad that you Muslim women of color are unhappy, oppressed, abused and devalued -- just don't talk about US (or our men) because x,y,and z." Truth is, I could keep quiet and take that route, but I recognize the importance and right of not only my own happiness and safety as a Musleemah but also my sisters.


I'll say it again, there are probably a million reasons for the state of our sisters and brothers of color (specifically from afro/caribean/latin disporas) having the problems that they have. And we all can tell stories of those who have broke the mold to become shinning examples of upright Muslim families. We do need to have more talk about those sisters and brother who are doing good and raising strong Muslim families to combat the other harsher pictures out there. Yet, the harsher pictures are the truth and we have to deal with them.

For instance, I remember about 5 years ago when I living in the states a swarm of African American brother leaving from several different cities headed towards North Africa. Were they going to make hijrah? No! Were they going to study Islam and Arabic? Nope? What it was was that they had got the hook up in a Morrocan village where it was said that they had "tons of women" who wouldn't ask for much (in terms of mahr) and were willing to go live in America (with strangers). For the record all the brothers were not the creme of the crop. Some of them I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Though there were some who were good catches. Very nice brothers Mashallah who most in the communities would vouch for. They're still very nice brothers and they have gone on to become really great husbands, Alhamdulilah. I don't have any problems with interracial marriages. I'm all for it obviously. What I do have a problem with is brothers (the most of who took issue with my call for Muslim women of color to marry outside of their norms) who will jump over rows of good Muslim sistas of color from the west with no problems or concerns and then have a mouth full of hot air to say things like, "it's known that Middle Eastern men don't go for black women," when their counterparts are encouraged to look in the same (assumingly) green pastures they themselves have found comfort in?

Was it a hurt ego that makes the claws come out like that brother? Allah has given women the ability to be women and all that that entails such as being feminine, charming, kind and sweet. This womaness is enhanced for the Musleemah inshallah as we have been given the best of adab and akhlaq to shower our mate with. I don't think any women of any one color has less appeal than other women of other colors/ethnicities. Attraction may start with physical aspects, but for it to grow lots of different areas have to be there. I think Muslim women by nature are suited better for interracial marriages than non Muslim women. This ummah is big Alhamdulilah and we start interacting and learning to adapt to various cultures within the ummah early on.

Interestingly enough I have yet to meet a sister of any color say that her problem was attracting brothers and I have friends of all races, sizes and ages. The problem is the TYPE of brothers they are attracting and the TYPE of brothers that themselves are attracted to. There are many sisters of color who are stuck on brothers from hard backgrounds (especially African Americans). Street brothers or thuggish brothers etc. Wallahi, they have a strong following and it's like the farther down on their luck they are the more sisters are willing to give (sacrifice) of themselves to keep the brothers afloat.

I don't blame the brothers. I'm not blaming the brothers. This is Musleemah to Musleemah talk. We need to do better for ourselves and for our children as Musleem woman and that can't happen until we make some hard decision and choose to make better choices for our own survival and livelihood. And again, I know someone is going to come out the woodworks and say how their husband came off deathrow by the mercy of Allah, worked 3 jobs and was a better paten than that of their type A ex Muslim husband from bangladesh who wasn't man enough to do and for that I'll join you in saying Alhamdulilah. May Allah keep you both and give that wonderful Muslim man and men like that their full reward. It happens, just not for the majority. For the majority of women, Muslim or not, marrying an ex-con/ex drug dealer/addict/con man/pimp isn't going get you happily ever after. What it might get you is an STD or two, bills, some heartache and other sorts of fitna. Why take that chance from the beginning? Why procreate with someone who may not be able to provide for his ownself much less for a wife or children? It doesn't add up.

What is the solution? That is the question. How can sisters who are stuck being serial divorcees find happiness in marriage? How can Muslim women find good Muslim men of ANY color? What type of changes do Muslim women especially Muslim women of color need to make in themselves inorder to break the cycle of bad marriages for themselves and inshallah as well as their children? What are Muslim women of color not doing that we need to do?

I posted one solution already. Inshallah, now here is your chance to post yours.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah:

Situations like these are very hard and they bring forth a lot of emotion in many. Yes, the muslimaat need to start to think in a better way in order to do better for themselves in regards to marriage. But from what I have learned, just like trying to break a cycle of anything else, there must be an ardent desire to do so. I lived on the East Coast, for a few years and from what I saw, the men and women put forth efforts in marriage such as the efforts they saw being put forth in relationships in jaahiliyah.

Anonymous said...

If you grew up being used to women taking care of the family and the men not being around, if you grew up with women supporting men just to be able to say that they have one, if you grew up seeing women being with men who have despicable character

Anonymous said...

then there maybe a good chance that you may not see anything wrong with those type of scenarios therefore, you may not have a problem entering into those types of relationships. But for those who may have grown up like that, but despised it, they have to make a strong effort, with the aid of Allah, to change that situation and get rid of those inclinations. That is just what it is.
Allah won't change the situation for a people until they make the efforts towards change themselves. It is not Allah that wants these sisters to be in these situations, instead it is the sisters that put themselves in these situations.

Anonymous said...

You are not going to make me believe that such a high percentage of ethnic women are in bad marriages without any fault on their parts. Allah doesn't want it but some sisters do because they want that fine brother even though he just got out jail and you are his home plan. Or that "studious" brother even though he stays at home all day without working but he still doesn't know how to pronounce Al-Faatihah correctly or that brother that will marry you as long as you keep the Section 8, Food Stamps and WIC coming, he'll bring his little black bag over sure why not!!! Because the women don't expect the high standards out of the men that they should. This could be due to the fear of being alone. However, after many sisters go through these types of situations, they would rather be alone than be in that fitnah!!

Anonymous said...

A good marriage is a blessing, mashaAllah, but it starts by the women really realizing what they can and cannot do and what they want and do not want in a spouse. Color doesn't matter. Don't fool yourself to think you can marry a financially strained brother when you know you like to spend money. Don't fool yourself that you can be in polygyny because you want a man when you really know deep down inside you cannot handle it. Don't let a brother come into your house when you know you are prone to putting them out if things don't go your way. It is going to be a fitnah later!

Anonymous said...

Don't give up your rights before you even pass the word go into the marriage. Sisters sit in front of brothers time and time again and give up their rights that ALLAH SUBHANAHU WA TA'ALA gave them because they think that is the righteous and pious thing to do. And of course because it is a good marketing skill. The brothers MAY say, "Akhi, she doesn't even want me to support her she just wants to marry me for the Pleasure of Allah". Then brother number two says, "SubhanAllah akhi, you better get yourself two of those!", as they high five each other.

Anonymous said...

Later on in the marriage sisters who go that route feel jaded because of their decisions. Its not Allah or that brother that caused you that pain, it was yourself. If we want our men to act like men and do as they should then we should expect that from them just as they expect us to be the same. Our rights were given to us for protection. How is it MORE righteous to agree to do without them before the aqd? Yes, in marriage you do compromise and there will be things that in the course of marriage you do without but that does not mean you have to go into the marriage giving those things up before you even know what the marriage may bring forth. For SOME men, this makes them lazy while making you seem like an easy target.

Anonymous said...

The way you enter the marriage is the way you are going to be. The brother is marrying you based upon what you offer and in some cases based upon what you don't. So don't be surprised if he doesn't move you into a new apartment when you agreed to stay in your old subsidized one. Besides, you knew when you married him he could only give $300 towards your maintenance so how could he possibly even afford that anyway? Remember Ukhti you agreed!

Anonymous said...

It is upon the women to be very cautious. We need to depend on Allah to help us make the right decisions. Make Istakharah until your knees are raw, not just two or three times. And surely Allah will not leave the Believers to the wayside. He will show you the signs clearly if it is that you really want to see them. Listen to the brothers and don't just look at their external features. That is all superficial and it will be later on if you end up going through major fitnah. Call on your Lord whole-heartily and ask Him for what it is you truly want and need and ask Him to make it easy for you. Wallahu Musta'an

Anonymous said...

I think getting married too quickly is a problem.

Anonymous said...

I believe the problem stem from your sweeping generalizations regarding the likes of the so called AFrican American women. The majority of whom DO NOT like thugs. Perhaps it's due the excellent example the black CHristian men in my family have provided - father is educated and a businessman, BOTH Grandfathers were educated, and so on. THe problem for me is the common misperceptions you (when you're classified as a black woman in this society) and others have about black Americans. WE, like Muslims, are a diverse group. The small group from the projects DO NOT reflect the majority of black America. Not to go off topic, but this is trite...

YES women have to make better choices. DON'T settle, there are TOO many decent men availbe. As a black woman I was married to a wonderful nonblack man PRIOR to becoming Muslim and I'm married to one now. Marriage is hard work, this is a fact. We do not have to stay to save face ( in cases of abuse), but many do (that's a fact - I deal with this every day).

Musleema said...

Anon, I am black woman also. Not African American, but nonetheless I am woman of color. And on top of that I have been Muslim all of my life. No sweeping judgements were made. I said there is a group of Muslim women who are attracted to thuggish men. This is not only true for African American Muslim women but minority women period. There have been numerous studies done. A quick google of the subject should yeild you more than a week's worth of data.

Mentioning the christian men in your family is neither here nor there as it pertains to this topic. I am talking about the dynamics between Muslim men and women of color and finding tangible solutions to many our ills.

And that is exactly my point. There are an endless number of good, strong Muslim men all around the world. Muslim women of color need not scramble around and after 1 or 2 African American/Caribean or Latino brothers. Nor do the have to settle for the broke, barely making it, uneducated or players from their inner communities.

We as women have the ability to shape the generations to come. If don't start doing better and making better choices we are not only securing our own unhappiness but the unhappiness and oppression of our daughters for generations.

I didn't write about this topic to tear any of my sisters down.

Anonymous said...

I get really bothered how arguments are shut down by stating oh that is a stereotype. There are too many examples illustrating that a lot of sisters go for brothers who are kind of thuggish or hard core. I think with Muslims this manifests itself with being caught up in appearances. A brother with a thobe and big beard, student of knowledge but the brother who can actually provide for your family, is stable but may just be an average decent Muslim gets passed over. This happens a lot and is the reason some brothers go overseas. Its not different from women who overlook the nerds for the thugs. Its a common phenomenon and accusing people of stereotyping doesn't change whats happening in society.

And whether people want to admit to it or not stereotypes have a lot of truth in them. You obviously have to judge individuals based on their actions but looking at stereotypes may make you more diligent about watching out for red flags instead of jumping into marriage based on fantasy ideals.

Anonymous said...

I also wanted to say that I agree with you whole heartedly with you that women need to start broadening their horizons and having higher standards. But also women need to make sure they are high quality sisters worthy of a high quality brother. We need to be taking care of ourselves physically, deen wise, emotionally so that we are ready when the meet that good brother.

Anonymous said...

as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah:
For the urban African-American Muslim, Who would you suggest for a panel that would put forth doable suggestions for entering and maintaining Muslim marriages?

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