To Believe, To have faith, To have strength, To Live

Response Time

2009-06-02T15:17:00.002-04:00

First, why post anonymously if you really intend for me to take you seriously? Strange...

But, I'l reply and say I love Safa, solely for the sake of Allah. I hate what she went through. I hate that she was hurt, that her children were hurt and that her deen was hurt! It was and I know I was only one of many who pleaded with her to live - not to destroy the marriage, but to help try to safe guard her deen. Deen is not constant. Eman is not constant. To many battles and we all can lost our way. That's not a chance, that I think I will never take, but of of course, that's enshallah.

I used Safa as an example because she has and is using herself as an example. She has spoken to the media and is online therefore, I would hope she would not be offended at my using her as the example she has already made herself.

Quite frankly though, this topic is bigger than Safa. We need to get real; as Muslim sisters, mothers, wives and daughters. We need to examine the choices that we are making in our lives and the lasting side effects they will create.

What is the real outcomes of polygyny? Is it something that all Muslim women should "try"? Do you have the responsibility to know whether your strong enough or too weak to endure polygyny? Should Muslim men have free reign to subject their wives to polygyny?? What is what?

Polygyny & lessons learned from Safa (her blog)

2009-05-10T14:15:00.003-04:00

Well, this is a conversation that is long over due and I don't know if some one has already discussed it, but let's get real: Does polygyny weakened the faith of Muslim women?

Before I answer that let's go to back to lessons learned from Safa's blog. You know I've been missing from the blogger ummah for some time. I was called back to the site by one name: Safa. We all love this sister for the sake of Allah. We read every blog with her and cried (atleast, I did). We begged her to get away from her Egyptian husband who was treating her like crap with polygynous marriage from Hell. We all prayed for her safety.

Alhamduleelah, our prayers were answered, right? Safa went back to Canada. She's divorcing her husband and building a new life....oh, yeah, the new life doesn't include much Islam?!? Shocked? I'm not!

Despite Safa's age and the years she spent as a practicing Muslim woman, there was something very obvious to me and I hope it was very obvious to you as well. Safa loved her husband too much. Worst, he didn't deserve her love. After jumping feet first into polygyny he wasnt much of a Muslim man; he hardly took care of his kids, he never showed fairness or justice. He left Safa to fend for herself. She didn't get anything out of his plural marriage except a bunch propolygyny banter of good deeds. Sorry, good deeds aren't enough for most today to stay sane. The brain is interesting muscle. Exposing it to too much bad stuff: stress, anxiety, heartache - and you and I and us all could destroy it's health.

Allah says in sura Al Baqarah that the Qur'an was sent to those who think.....you can't do to much thinking Muslims if your mind is constantly dealing with sharp emotional troubles. But we Muslim are told and expected to expose our minds to the harshest of emotional turmoil ---- when supposedly we are already known to be the emotional ones? Does this make sense?

It doesnt make sense. And its not natural and it WILL affect your deen - if not KILL your deen.

Back to that question: Does polygyny weakened the faith of Muslim women?

Are you a woman who loves hard and wears her emotions on her sleeve? Are you "in love" with love? Is your husband the only man you've ever been with for 10 plus years?

The the answer is: IT CAN! IT CERTAINLY CAN! If you know you cant handle polygyny, dont let some fool talk you into going into it, even if your already married!! Why, because your mental health is directly tied to your deen's health! If Safa is not a good enough example of how mental health is tied to deen health, then take a good trip back down memory lane to sister Myra Morton of PA's case. Another elder in the community, married over 20 years, a good mother, a nurse and strict in her deen, maashallah -- now her husband is dead and she sits in a federal prison.

Let's start talking about what is really happening to us as Muslim women, let's be honest. Let's not shoulder pain by our self....BUT before we can do that, we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to love ourselves and most importantly love Allah more than any other being. Don't give up on Allah, because He is Al Haqq and Ar Rahman. Give up your loser men, stop marrying these low down brothers (and low down isn't just in the West sisters)! Stop putting sex over sanity!! Stop putting shortchanging your children on full time fathers. Stop crying yourselves to sleep while your children listen.

Learn lessons from others!

Born Muslim ...but DON'T want to marry a Muslim man?!?

2008-11-21T15:14:00.002-05:00

You know how there some stories that are so far out in left field that you have a hard time believing it to be true. Then you get the facts and proof and you're floored! You feel like you've heard it all! That's me. I tell I have see it all. This is how it goes, I met this South African/ American (a little confusing but you gained citizenship) sister, Soumaya, at a function. It was funny how we didn't know one another but somehow ended sitting at a table with all the other brown and black non Arabs. So she was a striking sister. Well dressed, I mean Islamically sophisticated in a nice jilbab, matching hijab and stilletos. We began to make small talk and she told she was expecting her first child. I congratulated her and she went on to tell me that she been trying for six years Mashallah and this was the best feeling to be pregnant. She was beaming and said that her husband was more excited than her. He was 49 and this would be his first child. After the evening was over she gave me her number and invited me to come over. She wanted to meet my son and have an opportunity to play with the baby.

I went by to see her week later and Mashallah her home was absolutely gorgeous. We sat on the pation drinking mango smoothies and watching my son play in the grass. Ever now and again, Soumaya would mention her husband, Marc. I thought it was odd that she called him Marc. Most of the reverts that I knew back in the States always changed their name. Not always legally but still they gave themselves a Muslim name to use in the community. Although, I know theres always exceptions. Soumaya said her parents were going to come from her child's birth and she most happy that her dad would enshallah call the adhan in the baby's ear. I know its neccessary, but I didn't mention it to her. For many its cultural anyway. But what sparked my interest again was why would her dad do it and not her husband? So I asked and she replied very plainly that Marc, her husband, was not Muslim.

I think I looked away and scratched my head in order to gain a little composure. I have never met a Muslima married to a non Muslim. I did speak up about it to her, in the most non confrontation way I knew how to. She didn't take offence. She said she always knew she would never marry a Muslim even as a young child growing up in South Africa. She said she loved her father but he'd never been a good man to her mother and her brothers were the same. I think that was the saddest part of my day. I felt horrible because I felt the exact opposite. I have great Muslim father but my husband can neve measure up to him. I WISHED I had a husband more like my Muslim father and I pray sooner or later Allah allows me to have one. But if not, I think I'd have to agree with Soumaya...I don't want another Muslim man .....like the one I have. I rather be divored and single.

Now on to you....Muslimas who were born Muslim, Muslimas who reverted, Muslimas from the East and West, how do you honestly feel about Muslim men? Is there were no limitations on who we could marry, would a Muslim man be your first choice?

President Elect - Barack Hussein Obama

2008-11-05T07:05:00.002-05:00

Yes he did! I think this is a beautiful moment in history. This has been one of the most watched, followed and heavily weighed campaigns in my time and I wanted to recognize the significance of this win for this man.

Im not ashamed to say that I am equally pleased that the President elect has such a beautiful family with many hues of brown- from his daughters to his wife, that the President elect stood before the world and said the love of his life was dark skinned black woman and you could see in his face the pride he felt in that. I think this is profound image, black pride and black love being viable in this world today when countless people of the world and even blacks within the African diaspora doubt it, deny it and are ashamed of it. But he proved people wrong in that too. Yes he did!!

Ofcourse history is still being written but without doubt, I think President elect Obama's landslide win over a wealthy, elderly white man gives instant legitimacy to educated people within the African diaspora. In our lifetime?

Yes, in our lifetime, a qualified black man has earned his place in history and brought his family along as well!

Faking "it"???????

2008-08-14T00:56:00.002-04:00

Salam blog world! I have been gone for too long. I have missed you all but unfortunately this dunya is a fitna and I am in the midst of a huge one. Khayr, with every difficulty come ease. Sabr.

I didn't log in to talk about me any way. No way. I went out the other night to the cafe with a couple of local sisters. All very tribal but they have become my "homies" of some sort here. The oldest, "Suzan", I work with and she alerted me earlier in the week that she had been having problems. I knew she meant in her marriage because those are the only problems most married Muslim women have any way, and since I met this sister she has never seemed satisfied with her marriage. Her husband is her cousin and he had always excelled scholastically and she and he were similar in age and there you have it; after she completed college she married him. Now some 15 years later over steaming hot coffee in 100 degree weather I listened with two other sisters as she explained exactly how her problem was affecting her.

Her husband, like many Arabs, was very calculated. He went to work, came home watched TV, had his coffee then prayed at masjid and retired to sleep. He barely talked to "Suzan" or his 3 children let alone spent much intimate time with her. But here's the biggie Suzan said she NEVER, EVER has had ...you know, the big "O"! In fifteen years! Subhan'Allah, I spilled the coffee on my niqab and nearly got a blister on my lip I was choking so hard! And then the two other sisters, "Maha and Nahla", both said they had never experienced it either (9 and 6 years of marriage), they said they fake it always! I could of fell out of my chair. I tried to tell them this was not right Islamically. That it was the sunnah for their husbands to please them and by Allah, for goodness sake, speak kind words to them, but my arabic is weak and they would not accept it. They say this is how marriage is with their men and I'm thinking, not with my husband. But I felt horrified. How can marriage be a protection for the Muslima is she isn't being satisfied emotionally and physically? Is it me or do you all not see this can lead to big fitna?

Suzan told us that she thinks her husband is going to take another wife because she cannot have any more children. She said that if he takes another wife she will run away forever because she does not love him very much. And the kicker was that she said that she always wished that she could marry an American (White)Muslim man so that she can know romance.

Yeah, I know she probably has watched Cindrella one too many times because there are millions of romantically disabled White men in the world too, but I don't know. Allah knows best maybe she is right to some degree. By and large, especially amongst young American men, intimacy seems to be important. It's embedded into the culture and American men seem eager to please their partners (for the most part).

Now here's my question, Suzan certainly has grounds to ask for a khul' from this marriage, but would she have to disclose her reason to her husband or even the qadi if it went that far?

And what would you all do? Keep faking it or try to get out of the marriage and find the intimacy you need?

A new marriage contract available to Muslim women in the UK

2008-08-13T06:29:00.001-04:00

New Marriage Contract for UK Muslims

IslamOnline.net & Newspapers

"The document is a challenge to various Shari`ah (Islamic law)
councils who don't believe in gender equality," Siddiqui said.
(Google photo)

CAIRO — British Muslims will unveil Friday, August 8, a new marriage
contract guaranteeing equal rights for Muslim women, a move praised
by both Muslim organizations and women rights advocates.
"In Britain, more marriages are breaking down and young people have
said that we need to update things," Ghayasuddin Siddiqui, Director
of the Muslim Institute and one of the contract's authors, told The
Daily Telegraph.

The new contract emphasizes on mutual consultation and on the
financial independence of the husband and wife.

Under the new document, a husband will have to waive his right to
polygamy.

The contract does not require a "marriage guardian" (wali) for the
bride, and gives the wife the right of divorce while retaining all
her financial rights.

It stresses that "two adult witnesses of good character" (whether
males or females, Muslims or non-Muslims) must be recognized as just
as capable of providing a reputable guarantee of the marriage and
agreed upon terms.

The contract also provides women with written proof of their marriage
and of the terms and conditions agreed between the spouses.

"The document is a challenge to various Shari`ah (Islamic law)
councils who don't believe in gender equality but the world has
changed and Islamic law has to be renegotiated," said Siddiqui.

The current Islamic marriage in Britain is not legally binding and
its contract does not provide written proof of the marriage and of
the terms agreed upon.

The new formula, which took four years to negotiate and create, has
been compiled by the Muslim Institute, a leading Muslim think-tank.

It is backed by leading Muslim groups including the Imams & Mosques
Council, the Muslim Council of Britain and the Muslim Law (Shariah)
Council UK.

There is a sizable Muslim population in Britain estimated at 2
million.

Harmony

The new marriage contract won plaudits from Muslim groups.

"The Muslim Council of Britain (MCB) is pleased to have collaborated
with the Muslim Institute in this important initiative," Reefat
Drabu, the Chair of the MCB Social and Family Affairs Committee, said
in a press release on the Muslim Parliament of Great Britain's
website.

"It meets a pressing need of our communities by explaining in clear
and simple language the importance of marriage, the process leading
to its solemnization and the rights and responsibilities flowing from
it for the parties."

The Muslim leader called for a broader application of the new
document.

"The MCB calls upon all the Imams/Qadis (judges) involved in
performing nikah to use the documentation, as its correct use will
facilitate the success of marriage and will lead to harmonious and
healthy family life."

Ziba Mir-Hoseini, of Centre of Islamic and Middle Eastern Law, said
the new contract is a step in the right direction.

"The launch of the new standard marriage contract is a welcome
initiative, a right step in the right direction, that provides the
Muslims in UK with a model for a harmonious and egalitarian marriage."

Usama Hasan, Director of the Muslim City Circle, said the contract
keeps a breast with modern developments.

"This new Muslim marriage contract is an excellent development, since
it draws on those traditional Islamic legal opinions that are more in
keeping with the spirit of gender equality."

Shahid Raza, Secretary of Imams and Mosques Council (UK), believes
that the new contract will enhance Muslims families' harmony.

"It is a commendable initiative and likely to enhance the family life
of Muslims in Britain."

The new marriage contract also drew appraisal from British lawmakers
and women rights advocates.

"The advice contained will, I am sure, help thousands of young people
and I congratulate the Muslim Institute for having the foresight to
prepare, publish and launch this excellent piece of work," said Ann
Cryer, a Labour MP.

Anne-Marie Hutchinson, a leading family lawyer, echoed a similar
view.

"I am delighted to support this very important and inclusive
initiative."

"It will provide civil law protection to many women and children
through the obligation on the parties to enter into a binding civil
marriage."

Bruises and a blind eye in Italy

2008-08-09T15:54:00.000-04:00

http://articles.latimes.com/2008/jul/15/world/fg-polygamy15

Bruises and a blind eye in Italy Tied up in a knot
By Tracy Wilkinson
July 15, 2008

A few miles from the Vatican, Najat Hadi kept house with her husband,
his other wife and their assorted children, an unhappy home with a
hateful woman 10 years her junior and a cruel spouse who left her
with a jagged scar peeking from her collar.

Finally, she says, her Egyptian-born husband, who worked in Rome
making pizzas, beat her so badly that she left him. But he kept her
children.

Thousands of polygamous marriages like Hadi's have sprung up
throughout Italy as a byproduct of a fast-paced and voluminous
immigration by Muslims to this Roman Catholic country.

Despite the obvious culture clash, Italian authorities largely turn a
blind eye, leaving women in a murky semi-clandestine world with few
rights and no recourse when things go especially badly, as they did
in Hadi's case.

"It is absurd that in a civilized country like Italy, so little is
acknowledged about this," said Souad Sbai, a Moroccan-born Italian
lawmaker who has emerged as a one-woman champion of female Muslim
immigrants here.

Italy is one of several European nations faced with the issue of
polygamy. In Britain and Spain, where large Muslim communities have
also settled, some officials favor recognizing polygamous marriage as
a way to ensure the wives' access to pensions, medical care and other
state benefits.

But Sbai, who has lived 27 of her 47 years in Italy, thinks that
misguided attempts at cultural sensitivity backfire when customs that
stray into illegality are tolerated. Italian law sanctions marriage
between a single man and a single woman only.

Sbai estimates that there are 14,000 polygamous families in Italy;
others put the number even higher. Many take advantage of the so-
called orfi marriage, a less formal union performed by an imam, that
does not carry the same social or legal standing as regular marriage.

She is convinced that the polygamists in Italy are practicing a more
fundamentalist and abusive form of multiple marriage. Because they
feel so threatened by the Western culture around them, the men often
imprison their wives and confine them to a life of solitude wholly
dependent on the husband.

"They are kept in a kind of ghetto," Sbai said.

When Sbai recently created a hotline for Muslim immigrant women, she
was inundated with 1,000 calls in the first three months. To her
astonishment, she had tapped into a hidden community of women
desperate for information, many trapped in violent, polygamous
households, isolated and lonely.

Hadi, a Moroccan, had endured beatings and humiliation because she
felt she had nowhere to turn. She said she met and married her
husband in 1987 in Italy, where she was visiting on holiday. They had
a religious ceremony at a local mosque and a legal wedding at the
Egyptian Embassy in Rome. Over the next decade, she gave birth to
four children.

Then, one day in 2000, Hadi returned from a vacation in Egypt, where
she had taken the children to spend time with her husband's family.
In her Rome apartment was a new woman. Her husband had married again
while she was gone.

"I returned and found her in my house," Hadi, 46, said. Hadi said she
at first challenged her husband but then decided there was little she
could do.

"He said, `I've married this woman.' I wanted to know why. I told him
to send her away. He refused. But where could I go with four
children?" She tried to accommodate the other woman, an Egyptian whom
Hadi describes as full of hatred.

"I tried to accept her, for the children," Hadi said. "But she wasn't
a woman with a brain."

Her husband's beatings got worse, landing Hadi repeatedly in the
hospital. The pale scar on her chest is a remnant of the time she
says he took after her with a knife.

Then, about a year and a half ago, he turned on the children. And
that was when she decided she had to go. From other Moroccan women,
she learned of Sbai's center and prepared to file a criminal
complaint against him. But he seized the children and fled to Egypt.
Hadi has not been able to move authorities to help her regain custody.

Sbai, the politician, remembers polygamy from her childhood in
Morocco. There, at least officially, the husband could marry no more
women than he could adequately and justly care for. Here in Italy,
she says, polygamy is often distorted. The immigrant experience is
turned on its head: regression and isolation instead of integration.

Of the hundreds of women Sbai hears from, most are Moroccans and
illiterate, at a much higher percentage rate than in Morocco. That
also tends to isolate them, a condition compounded by mistrust of
Italian authorities and fear of the unknown.

Aliza Kalisa, 50, joined her Moroccan husband in Italy in 2001. They
had been married for many years, but when she arrived in Rome, she
found he had used his time here to take on a second wife.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she recalled asking him.

"I needed a woman here, and you were in Morocco," he responded.

Kalisa was devastated. She lived with her husband, his other wife and
the woman's two children in a one-room apartment, where she was
forced to sleep on the floor and listen as her husband and the
younger woman had sex. He treated her badly, flaunting the second
wife like a prize and forcing Kalisa to do the housework and care for
the children – the second wife's children.

He forced her to fork over all her earnings as a maid in an Italian
family's home. He beat her. Kalisa thinks the other wife delighted in
the abuse she suffered; the woman peppered Kalisa with taunts that
she was the favorite.

"I had been his wife such a long time," Kalisa said. "Then I was like
the servant."

When, at the end of her rope, she threatened to leave, her husband
locked her in the apartment for 10 days. Eventually her screams
prompted an Italian neighbor to call the police, and Kalisa was able
to leave. At Sbai's center, Kalisa is learning to write her name for
the first time.

Zora, a Moroccan who has lived in Italy for 27 years, met and married
an Egyptian in Rome in 1989. Though he swore he was single, it turned
out he had another wife back in Egypt. Zora (who asked that her last
name not be published) learned of the marriage when a grown son from
that union showed up at her Rome apartment.

"I was speechless," said Zora, who is 52 but looks 35.

Zora began to suspect that her husband's son was molesting her son,
who was 6 at the time. The boy was bruised and terrified to be left
alone with his older half-sibling. She, in turn, was terrified to say
anything to her husband. When Zora confirmed that the abuse was
taking place, her anger overcame her fear. She grabbed her son and
fled.

Sbai, the politician, helps women such as Zora get or keep jobs,
however low-paying, and begin to navigate the basics of Italian legal
red tape. Zora, for example, is trying to have her son's name removed
from her husband's passport and added to hers to prevent him from
taking the boy and leaving the country. The women are also receiving
elemental education and are given access to a psychologist, though
counseling has been slow-going because most are reluctant to discuss
their ordeals.

"We are not at the point of integration yet," said the psychologist,
Lucia Basile. After what they have been through, "we first need to
teach them that they have dignity and that they exist."

Hadi, for one, has taken up that cause. As she campaigns for the
return of her children, she has joined Sbai's office, works the
emergency hotline and is reaching out to other Moroccan and immigrant
women to inform them of their rights and opportunities.

"It's always the women," she said, "who pay the price."

wilkinson@...

Court denies Muslim man's talaq as a way to circumvent U.S. law

2008-05-31T12:01:00.000-04:00

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/bal-
md.divorce07may07,0,4609441.story

Man's attempt to circumvent state law is rejected

By Nick Madigan | Sun reporter
May 7, 2008

Saying "I divorce thee" three times, as men in Muslim
countries have been able to do for centuries when
leaving their wives, is not enough if you're a
resident of Maryland, the state's highest court ruled
yesterday.

Yesterday, the Court of Appeals rejected a Pakistani
man's argument that his invocation of the Islamic
talaq, under which a marriage is dissolved simply by
the husband's say-so, allowed him to part with his
wife of more than 20 years and deny her a share of his
$2 million estate.

The justices affirmed a lower court's decision
overturning a divorce decree obtained in Pakistan by
Irfan Aleem, a World Bank economist who moved from
London to Maryland with his wife, Farah Aleem, in
1985.

Both of their children were born in the United States.

In 2003, Aleem's wife filed for divorce in Montgomery
County Circuit Court.

When he filed a counterclaim, he did not object to the
court's jurisdiction over the case, according to the
ruling. But before the legal process could be
completed - and without telling his wife - Aleem went
to the Pakistani Embassy in Washington and invoked the
talaq, in effect attempting to turn jurisdiction of
the case over to a Pakistani court that later granted
him a divorce.

When they were married in Karachi in 1980, Farah Aleem
was 18 and had just graduated from high school. Irfan
Aleem was 29, a doctoral candidate at Oxford
University in England. As is customary, the couple
signed a marriage contract. It obligated Aleem to give
his wife the equivalent of $2,500 in the event of
their divorce. When they split, he did so, and claimed
he owed her nothing more.

Maryland's highest court disagreed.

"If we were to affirm the use of talaq, controlled as
it is by the husband, a wife, a resident of this
state, would never be able to consummate a divorce
action filed by her in which she seeks a division of
marital property," the judges wrote in their decision.

They said the talaq "directly deprives the wife of the
due process she is entitled to when she initiates
divorce litigation."

Priya R. Aiyar, an attorney for Irfan Aleem, said
yesterday from Washington that she had been unable to
reach her client to tell him he had lost his appeal.
Until she does, Aiyar said, she would have no comment
on the case.

Jeffrey M. Geller, a lawyer for Farah Aleem, did not
return a call seeking comment.

Experts in Islamic law and religion who are based in
the U.S. said they agreed with the court's ruling.
Abdullahi An-Na'im, a Muslim scholar and law professor
at Emory University in Atlanta, said "there can only
be one law of the land."

An-Na'im, who wrote Islam and the Secular State:
Negotiating the Future of Shari'a, said that "if
Muslims wish to influence what the law of the state
says, they must do so through the normal political
process and in accordance with civic discourse that is
equally open for debate by all citizens, and not on
the basis of religious beliefs."

Julie Macfarlane, a law professor at the University of
Windsor, Ontario, who has spent two years on a
research project titled "Understanding Islamic Divorce
in North America," said she was surprised that Aleem
had tried to force the notion of talaq on a U.S.
court.

"It's unclear how he even thought he was going to make
a successful legal argument on this point," Macfarlane
said.

Many North American Muslim religious leaders, known as
imams, now treat a woman's request for a divorce as a
right, Macfarlane said, an evolution from the common
scenario under which she may split up with her husband
only if he consents.

"The theory of Islamic law is that the man has the
right and that the woman has to ask for it, but what's
fascinating is that in practice, Islamic divorce is
evolving to fit contemporary mores," she said. "Women
are asking for divorce now. Two decades ago, they were
not."

Muneer Fareed, secretary-general of the Islamic
Society of North America, said that if Aleem had
traveled to Pakistan and invoked his talaq there, it
might have been recognized in a U.S. court under the
concept of comity, under which nations accept the
premise of a law in another country "whether or not we
agree with the law or its spirit."

But Aleem, he said, attempted to circumvent any such
agreements.

"There was a certain lack of faith here because the
husband initiated the talaq after his wife had filed
for divorce," Fareed said. "He was trying to defeat
the ends of justice within the American legal system."

Sister Myra Pleads Guilty

2008-04-29T08:53:00.002-04:00

AP) A woman pleaded guilty Friday to third-degree murder for killing her bigamist husband in August, hours before he was to fly to Morocco to visit his new, second wife.

Myra Morton, 48, resented the marriage and her husband's plans to have children with the younger woman. She shot her spouse of 25 years, Jereleigh Morton, twice in the head while he slept, and blamed the crime on an intruder.

She faces about five to 20 years in prison.

Defense lawyers acknowledge the crime was intentional, but say it stemmed from the damaged psyche of a humiliated, aging woman still depressed over the death of a teenage child years earlier.

"The idea that this man was now going to marry another woman, and provide her with money that came from a dead child's lawsuit recovery, was too much to bear," lawyer Brian McMonagle said.

"That's why we were able to convince prosecutors that it wasn't a cold-blooded, premeditated murder," McMonagle said. "All the things in her life led to a breaking point."

Myra Morton spent about 20 years working at Temple University as a secretary before she and her husband, a handyman, received a reported $8 million medical settlement in 2005 over their daughter's death. They moved with their surviving daughter from a North Philadelphia row house to a $1 million home in the tree-lined suburb of Blue Bell.

The Mortons had converted to Islam about 20 years ago. Roaming the Internet
(AP Photo)in late 2006, Jereleigh Morton met a Moroccan woman and soon arranged to marry.

In keeping with Muslim custom, Myra Morton traveled to Morocco to bless his March 2007 marriage to 37-year-old Zahra Toural. But police say Morton grew to resent the arrangement, at least in part because her husband was sending Toural $3,000 a month.

Her husband, 47, allegedly told her to divorce him if she didn't like it, police said.

As part of the plea, prosecutors agreed not to seek more than a 10-year prison term, although the judge can go higher. Sentencing was deferred for several months while a pre-sentence report is prepared.

"Today is the first step toward really getting to the truth of the case," Assistant District Attorney Steven Latzer said Friday.

Third-degree murder in Pennsylvania involves malice, an element that separates it from manslaughter.

"We always said it was a murder case. She pleaded to murder today," he said.

The Mortons' adult daughter and her family are slated to inherit the Mortons' assets under a law that prevents killers from profiting from their crimes, Latzer said.

However, Toural recently filed a defamation lawsuit against Myra Morton, charging that she falsely told the U.S. State Department that Toural had terrorist ties in an effort to keep her out of the country.

"All she (Morton) cares about are that her daughter and her granddaughter get their inheritance, and are provided for," McMonagle said. "That is always a concern, particularly when you have so many hands reaching for this money."

May Allah forgive sister Myra of her sin, grant her patience with her trial and increase her in Iman, ameen.

Perhaps the sisters in the states should write to judge asking for leniency on the sister.

Muslim men in America: There's plenty to spare

2008-02-25T18:00:00.004-05:00

Well, well, well, finally some concrete good news. Looks like there isn't a shortage of Muslim men in America afterall, infact, it's just the opposite. There's a shortage of Muslim women! Says who? Says the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life who have released a new survey on the religious landscape of the United States. I suggest all Muslims in America take a good look at the data and see how it pertains to you and/or your family, especially sisters. Note of positive advice:Sisters before you consider settling in marriage as third or forth wife with a brother whose current families are receiving public aid or marrying the brother who is fresh out of a correctional facility with no marketable skills or a brother who is known to be an abuser (drugs, achohol or violence) - take a look at this survey. Look to where the eligible Muslim brothers are residing and plot and plan for a hbetter, happier life.

http://pewforum.org/

When to call the Police on a Muslim man?

2008-01-22T11:10:00.000-05:00

I thought, at the very least, adult Muslim women would know when to call the Police on a Muslim man who abuses them. Apparently this isn't the case. Over the years in gatherings with sisters the questions of abuse have come up and the tone of conversation have always bothered me because the sister questioner would always be defensive as if she had to prove that she wasn't worthy of constant beat downs. What's even crazier is that many times, it is not the brothers who are the hardest on abused sisters, it's other SISTERS! Sisters who some how think they are enjoying the good, but are actually ignorant. And Im not saying this lightly, but when you see another Muslim being abused and you go out of your way to advise them that they need to have more patience and to "fix" their eman, you are ignorant. It's digusting and apalling how we sisters treat one another in our times of need. Which is why I thought I would put together this PSA entitled: When to call the Police on a Muslim man:

1. When random shoves suddenly turn into weekly hits, slaps, punches, kicks or pushes

2. When he is physically violent with you infront of your children; even if it isn't physical - call the Police. If he curses and degrades you in front of your children, he has very little if any respect for you and more than likely he will eventually fly off the handle while your children are present. Call the Police!

3. He spits in your face; this is something that may be not be a common habit for American men who are abusers but I know several American Muslimas married to Arab, Pakistanian and even Turkish brothers who suffered with this digusting behavior for years. Many times the spitting escalated into physical violence. Spitting is a clear sign of disrespect. Call the Police!

4. He abuses you during intercourse. No I'm not talking about the play cuffs or blindfolds that yo enjoy, but actual physical violence. Many sisters often had told me that the abuse would begin before intercourse with their husband actually knocking them unconcious to which they wold awaken to him being even more violent with them while basically engaging in what most would deem to be rape. This is serious and dangerous. Put the Police on speed dial!

5. He threatens you with a weapon his actually owns. This again, I would think would be a no brainer, but it isn't. A sister really asked me what she should do when her husband threathens her with his gun!?! Call the Police.

Why not call the Masjid or another trusted friend of your husband?

In the West, most men with positions in masajid do not have the eman or resources to offer that will make a substantial difference in abuse cases. Many brothers, especially friends of the abusers, are not going to want to jeopardize their friendships or often they just dont want to deal with their friend's transgression. The ones that do care and are willing to stick their necks out are few and far in between and again the level of their support may not make much difference.

Should I have patience with an abusive husband?

And be steadfast. Allah does not let the wage of good-doers go to waste. (Surah Hud, 115)

As Muslims we are to have patience and trust and rely on Allah. If you wish to remain married to an abusive husband, that is your own choice. What you shouldn't do, especially if you have children, is stay within a household with someone who physically harms you and/or does other things that jeopardizes your health and well being. Be patient and make all the dua you want for him on the other side of town where you are safe and your children are safe.

Should I let my non Muslim family know that I am being abused?

Absolutely. Your shahadah doesn't negate family ties. They are your family and will always be. If you have a father, brothers and uncles that are able to help you, then let them help you. I remember hearing one sister telling another sister that she shouldn't let the disbelievers in on "Muslim business" and I was infuriated. Again, sisters we've got to do better with each other. If you fear that revealing the state of your marriage to a Muslim man will turn your non Muslim family off from Islam, think what will happen if you are killed at the hands of a Muslim man? How will they view Islam then? The truth is that Allah guides whom He wills. Domestic abuse is not uniqe to Islam. All people from all places and of all ages fall into domestic violence. Where we as Muslims need to do better is by recognizing the problem and speaking against it. A Muslim brother with a hsitory of violence ought not be able to marry in the same community that he abused others in until he has proven that he has received professional help and has ongoing assistance in place. It's a small step, it won't help everyone, but it's better than contining to ignore this mountainous problem that we have in the ummah.

Later, I'll talk about domestic abuse in Muslim countries, it's different ball game all together. But I have some pointers, I'd like to share nonetheless inshallah.

My first dance with my man!

2008-01-13T12:08:00.000-05:00

Sometime last year I had wrote about all of the *milestones* many American girls have such being asked out on a date, going to a prom or dancing the night away. Alhamdlilah, I don't regret any of that stuff and know the enormity of the blessing in having been protected from it in general. Even still I dont have regrets, I have always wanted to dance with someone. You know, a nice slow dance just seems romantic and somewhat peaceful. After I wed Mr. Muslim I tried on plenty of occassion to make him dance with me. Alhamdulilah, hes not like some Muslim men who think playing with their wife can only happen in the bed. No, that isn't his problem. Mr.Muslim's problem is his feet. He has two left feet and couldnt catch a rhythm even if Debbi Allen broke it down for him. All of that has changed though. After all of these years of waiting for the perfect slow dance, I got my first dance with no one other than my sweet Saud. Nevermind that it was two am and he had already nursed and been changed and I was exhausted. He wanted to be held. He wanted to be rocked. What else could I do but get up and dance with him? Allah is great, we didnt need any music or lyrics or anything...just the two of us. I hummed and swayed and he held on and soon fell asleep. Gotta love the little Muslim men. May Allah bless Saud and all of the other Muslim boys who are great comforts to their mothers.

Shhhhhhhhh, the baby is sleeping.

2008-01-07T16:17:00.001-05:00

Alhamdulilah, Saud arrived last yaumul Jumu'ah at 1:25 in the afternoon and I couldn't be more in awe of the greatness of Allah and His ability to fashion his creation in the best way. Right now I have a perfect son with ten toes and ten fingers and two eyes and two ears, a nose and mouth and well, Alhamdulilah that's all that matters.

Are Muslim men allowed to deceive Muslim women?

2007-12-26T19:09:00.000-05:00

I happened to be over at bakkah.net and one fatwa caught my eye. Mind you, normally, I do not seek out bakkah.net for fatawa. I just happened to be there. Anyway, when I was reading this particular fatwa that actually made a hukm allowing a brother the right to deceive potential wives by withholding his marital status a sense of sadness overcame me, a defeated feeling and I immediately had sought Allah's protection. However, still I am left feeling like a piece of me is being chipped away by these sort of injustices. I have nothing but respect for professors of Islam in the mumlaka like Shaykh Bazmool hafidhahullah, but as a Muslim woman I am tired of being disappointed by those whom Allah has given authority to. Do Muslim men still love, honor and protect Muslim women? Or are we as Muslim women doomed to lose our rights, respect and position in this ummah like those monothesist women who preceeded us? Allahul Musta'an. I don't know what the future holds but as I prepare to bring my first child into this ummah I can do nothing but pray with all of my might that he is able to grow up into a man that will have pride for this deen and love the Muslims that moves him to fight to uphold his sisters as best as he can.

To have husnul thun for the shaykh hafidhahullah who answered the question, no arabic text nor sound nor any evidences accompany the fatwa that was posted. So may be inshallah what I have read is not all that was stated. Maybe I am mistaked. I hope I am. Can you all read it? May be there is another way to look at it? May be I am missing something and it is not what it appears to be? May be someone has a different fatwa on the issue...

Sad thing is I know many brothers from the streets of North Philadelphia or Newark or Baltimore have already read it and taken it as the gospel without researching it. Can't you hear them talking,

"...yea, ock, you don't need to let that bint know nothing about your other bint and kids. Didn't you read that fatwa on bakkah.net from shaykh baaazmool? Don't let her wali punk you. Tell him to fear Allah. Once yall make it halal it ain't none his business no how..."

Allahul Musta'an.

QUESTION

If a man wants to take a second wife, is it permissible for him to not mention the fact that he is already married? And if he does not tell the second wife about the existing first marriage, is his marriage to the second woman valid?

ANSWER by Shaykh Muhammad 'Umar Baazmool, instructor at Umm Al-Quraa University in Makkah

It is not a required condition to marry a second wife that one must inform her of an existing marriage. However, from good manners of living together, and from the ettiquettes of cooperation upon good things, is that she should be informed. I am not saying that a man must seek permission from his wife (to marry a second wife), but she should be informed.

And the man must fear Allaah, the Glorified and Exalted, regarding his first wife and he must act justly between them. The Messenger (sallallaahu 'alayhe wa sallam) mentioned a man who will come on the Day of Judgement and one side of his face will be dropped to the ground, a result of his lack of fairnes between his wives. [1]

So we advise this man to fear Allaah, the Glorified and Exalted, regarding his first wife, and to be sure that he acts justly between them.

His marriage to the second wife is valid, even if he did not inform the first wife, or let the second wife know. But from kind interaction and mutual cooperation upon good affairs, he should make her aware, and Allaah knows best.

SOURCE

This was translated exclusively for www.bakkah.net from a cassette recording with the knowledge and permission of the shaykh, file no. AAMB016, dated 1423/6/25.

Ayaat on deception

Allah-Him from Whom nothing is hidden, either on Earth or in
Heaven. (Surah Al 'Imran, 3:5)

Do you not see that Allah knows what is in the heavens and on
Earth?Three men cannot confer together secretly without Him being the fourth of them, or five without Him being the sixth of them, or fewer than that or more without Him being with them wherever they are. Then He will inform them on the Day of Rising of what they did. Allah has knowledge of all things. (Surat al-Mujadala, 58:7)

Do they not know that Allah knows what they keep secret and what they make public? (Surat al-Baqara, 2:77)

He knows the eyes' deceit and what people's breasts conceal.(Surah Ghafir, 40:19)

"Morrocan women are not solution - or the problem"

2007-11-08T18:34:00.000-05:00

Over at Umarlee.com there is interesting conversation going on about an issue I touched on briefly last summer and that is the trend of African American brothers going to Morroco to "buy" wives.

I don't really care much to discuss the preferences of Black Muslim men. Everyone has preferences. Although, I think in this case it may look worse as well as imply different things about those Black American men who go after Morrocan sisters because they are Black Americans. There is a undeniable historical conditioning that has occur with much, if not all of Black American and it plays an important part in diciphering whether their preferences are genuine or examples of self hatred. That's another topic though.

Umar stated that many Black Muslimaat are bitter over the fact that an increasing amount of black brothers are buying Morrocan sisters. That's where I want to pick up on. There were a lot hostile comments left in the comment section on the blog I did on the case of the brother (may Allah have mercy on him) who may have been killed by his wife (may Allah have mercy on her as well) after he went to Morroco and married a young Morrocan sister. A lot of the comments were infact directed towards our Morrocan sisters. What I want to discuss is it rightly placed?

Granted, I don't get how Muslim parents can let any man; black, Arab or blue, come from a foreign land, flash some bills and then be allowed to marry their virgin daughters. I don't get it. It's shameful and an unIslamic step backwards and away from the honor, dignity and rights that Allah has given the Muslimah. I remember the one time I had attended a wedding party of a brother back in the states after 2 years of saving to get his Morrocan woman into the states. I felt a sense of shame for having come to witness the event. The sister spoke no English and looked like a deer infront of headlights in that sea of unfamiliar faces. She was alone, all alone. Granted this was three years ago and to the best of my knowledge she is still married to the brother, but I have no knowledge of the intimate details of their marriage. Have they bonded? Maybe in some way, afterall, Im sure he is taking his "rights". Though given the fact that her husband doesnt speak her language and isnt like any of the men in her family nor of those she grew up around or had even the chance to be exposed through media, I wonder how in the world she could truly find apart of him to love genuinely? And if their love is more superficial and material, are black American Muslimahs missing out?

I don't know. Different people think differently about things. I sure haven't met any Morrocan sisters married to wealthy black American Muslim men. For the most part, the brothers who I've seen going to Morroco are brothers working 9-5s or less than that, some are selling oils or incense. Is that anything to envy? And if you do as a Muslimah, what does that say about your own level of self value?

I don't think Morrocan women are the solution for black American Muslim men nor do I think they are the problem. Infact, many of the Morrocan sisters become victims just like black American sisters because for the most part, the ones are being "sold" to African American brothers are uneducated and quickly become burdenned with children and have to use government support. If anything, I think more needs to be done to protect our sisters from third world countries so that they are not falling into the hands of the brothers who need not wed in the first place.

Cops: Jealousy drove Bigamist wife to kill

2007-08-11T09:21:00.000-04:00

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=3463580&page=1

Was this for the love of money or more along the lines of a thin line between love and hate?

I don't know. May Allah have mercy and grant ease to this sister and may Allah have mercy and expiate the sins of our deceased brother. May Allah also grant ease to salafy communities in Philadelphia and allow them to rectify their ways because once this case reaches it trial date it going to become cooler water talk in many homes. Philadelphia's salafy communities are going to be under the spotlight and the things that most of us Muslims already know - their notorious poor treatment of sisters despite the endless durus from the mimbar and numerous telelinks with the mashayik in mumlaka, their hidden polygynous society that is open to any brother to join whether he is fresh out of jail on drug charges or a convicted pedophile, the secret sisterhood of Muslim women who support those pratices of the brothers and who vehemently boycott salafiyat who can't or don't want to "get with the program". The "on it & off it lists", the welfare fraud that many sisters knowingly commit so that they can enter the polygynous society, the physical abuse of many sisters there, the child neglect on the part of the sex addicted brothers who spread their seeds like water throughout the city but don't have even 1/4 of the money to support them which makes them abandon them - I could go on but you get the picture. This sister is in for the fight of her life and we can assume her lawyers are going to grab the temporary insanity defense on this and use ever ounce of blood they can find to prove it - Allaahulmusta'aan.

I received one comment on the other blog that was very hostile to the brother's second wife in Morroca. My first thought was to delete because it has nasty name calling in it and we know such name calling against other Muslims is not becoming of any Muslims, male or female. I hope the one who posted has since made tawba, and if not please do. You may be upset and that is understandable, but trade your hasanat on yaumil qiyama because of anger. Make the tawba. But I left it there because since maybe early 2000 I have heard many African American sisters talk secretly about their dislike of Morrocan women. Many AA salfy men especially the older brothers have gone to poor Morrocan cities and bought wives for very cheap mahr by US and Gulf standards and brought them back to the states. Sisters are angry with this because the "you can't afford it" agrument that have stood on for decades falls by the wayside when brothers throw out the "Morrocan trump cards" and their natural responses, "She doesn't need much."

Is it the Morrocan sisters fault that many American marriages have fallen apart once they enter the family? Are these sisters really looking to break up families? And what I really want to discuss with any Morrocan sisters if your have married in such a way is why on earth are your families sending their virgin daughters to the west with men they don't know anything about (him, his livlihood, family, etc) or how she is going to be treated?

More trouble for the salafy Muslims in Philadelphia

2007-08-08T09:41:00.001-04:00

Prosecutors: Murdered MontCo. Man Had Second Wife

(AP) MONTGOMERY COUNTY, Pa. A Muslim man who was killed in his bed early Sunday had taken a second wife in Morocco and planned to travel there later that day, prosecutors said.

Jereleigh Morton's first wife, Myra, told police she chased after the intruder who shot him in their $1 million suburban home. But police found no signs of a break-in and focused their attention on the victim's marital status after reading Myra's diaries.

Myra Morton, 47, had reluctantly agreed to the second marriage and even traveled to Morocco this year to sanction it under Muslim law, authorities said. Prosecutors, however, think her husband may have married the other woman -- a 20-something he met on the Internet -- even earlier than Myra knew.

"We're working under the theory that she sort of approved it after the fact," Montgomery County District Attorney Bruce L. Castor Jr. said Tuesday. "I think there was discussion, and she felt pressured into agreeing to allow it."

No charges have been filed, but police took cheek swabs from Myra Morton to compare to DNA found at the scene, court papers show.

"We haven't excluded her as the killer," Castor said.

The Mortons, who hail from North Philadelphia, converted to Islam about 20 years ago. They lived in a small city row house until a medical malpractice settlement over their teenage daughter's death netted them a reported $8 million in 2005.

They paid $1 million cash that year for a sprawling suburban home near Ambler, and Jereleigh retired from his job as a plumber to dabble in real estate. Their surviving daughter also lived with them, and was home Sunday morning, along with her husband and baby.

"I never saw any problems or concerns about them or their relationship," said lawyer Charles Hehmeyer of Philadelphia, who represented the Mortons in the wrongful-death case. "She's a nice lady and has endured a lot of tragedy in her life."

Myra Morton has not retained a criminal lawyer, and the family's home telephone rang unanswered Tuesday.

Jereleigh Morton, 47, was shot twice, at least once in the head. A gun holster was found on the dresser, and a handgun was outside a sliding glass door that leads from the bedroom to the yard.

Myra Morton called 911 at about 3:30 a.m. to report the shooting.

Police, working with the U.S. State Department, are still trying to piece together a timeline of the couple's overseas travels. And they do not yet know the identity of the second wife, Castor said.

"In March '07 my husband married a woman from Morocco. Before this he was showing strange behavior to me, going out staying late, on computer all the time," Myra Morton wrote in a diary, according to a police affidavit.

She discovered that her husband had sent the woman money for a dowry. She told police they had about $6 million in assets.

Myra Morton wrote that she went to Morocco and even ran around to get the paperwork in order, only to have her husband grow increasingly aloof.

"I go give him the permission, because he argues with me when I protest this marriage," the diary reads.

He was scheduled to leave again for Morocco at 7 p.m. Sunday, a trip Myra Morton had backed out of, said Risa Ferman, an assistant district attorney in Montgomery County.

Ibrahim Hooper, a spokesman for the Council on American-Islamic Relations, said that a minority of Muslims take second wives, and that Islamic scholars would differ on whether one could do so while living in the United States.

"Some scholars may say it's not permitted at all in a society where two legal marriages would be outlawed," Hooper said.

Castor was equally unsure of how Pennsylvania's polygamy ban might apply. He did not know if the state would have jurisdiction over a marriage in Morocco.

In the wake of the slaying, the point is moot.

"We're doing a homicide investigation, not an adultery (case)," Castor said.

Muslim women need solutions, not excuses

2007-07-24T17:57:00.000-04:00

I really didn't expect to receive as many comments as I did for the blog Muslim women of color and the choice of men. Many thanks to brother Tariq for linking to it. I'd also like to say that I thought all the comments were thought provoking and well written. If nothing more I honestly appreciated the imput. Marriage and race sensitive subjects and I think everyone handled my blog whether they agreed with it or not very maturely.

Alright so that was sweet stuff. Moving on to the bitter. The thing is I completely agree that the causes of the situation amongst our sisters and brothers are vast. What bothered me is that none of those who disgreed with my point of view offered any solutions. Over and over again it was mentioned that I was being too hard on Muslim men of color or too easy on Arab/Asian Muslim men but not a word was written that actually dealt with the topic which was the state of our sisters. Collectively the message I gathered was, "sister, its too bad that you Muslim women of color are unhappy, oppressed, abused and devalued -- just don't talk about US (or our men) because x,y,and z." Truth is, I could keep quiet and take that route, but I recognize the importance and right of not only my own happiness and safety as a Musleemah but also my sisters.

I'll say it again, there are probably a million reasons for the state of our sisters and brothers of color (specifically from afro/caribean/latin disporas) having the problems that they have. And we all can tell stories of those who have broke the mold to become shinning examples of upright Muslim families. We do need to have more talk about those sisters and brother who are doing good and raising strong Muslim families to combat the other harsher pictures out there. Yet, the harsher pictures are the truth and we have to deal with them.

For instance, I remember about 5 years ago when I living in the states a swarm of African American brother leaving from several different cities headed towards North Africa. Were they going to make hijrah? No! Were they going to study Islam and Arabic? Nope? What it was was that they had got the hook up in a Morrocan village where it was said that they had "tons of women" who wouldn't ask for much (in terms of mahr) and were willing to go live in America (with strangers). For the record all the brothers were not the creme of the crop. Some of them I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Though there were some who were good catches. Very nice brothers Mashallah who most in the communities would vouch for. They're still very nice brothers and they have gone on to become really great husbands, Alhamdulilah. I don't have any problems with interracial marriages. I'm all for it obviously. What I do have a problem with is brothers (the most of who took issue with my call for Muslim women of color to marry outside of their norms) who will jump over rows of good Muslim sistas of color from the west with no problems or concerns and then have a mouth full of hot air to say things like, "it's known that Middle Eastern men don't go for black women," when their counterparts are encouraged to look in the same (assumingly) green pastures they themselves have found comfort in?

Was it a hurt ego that makes the claws come out like that brother? Allah has given women the ability to be women and all that that entails such as being feminine, charming, kind and sweet. This womaness is enhanced for the Musleemah inshallah as we have been given the best of adab and akhlaq to shower our mate with. I don't think any women of any one color has less appeal than other women of other colors/ethnicities. Attraction may start with physical aspects, but for it to grow lots of different areas have to be there. I think Muslim women by nature are suited better for interracial marriages than non Muslim women. This ummah is big Alhamdulilah and we start interacting and learning to adapt to various cultures within the ummah early on.

Interestingly enough I have yet to meet a sister of any color say that her problem was attracting brothers and I have friends of all races, sizes and ages. The problem is the TYPE of brothers they are attracting and the TYPE of brothers that themselves are attracted to. There are many sisters of color who are stuck on brothers from hard backgrounds (especially African Americans). Street brothers or thuggish brothers etc. Wallahi, they have a strong following and it's like the farther down on their luck they are the more sisters are willing to give (sacrifice) of themselves to keep the brothers afloat.

I don't blame the brothers. I'm not blaming the brothers. This is Musleemah to Musleemah talk. We need to do better for ourselves and for our children as Musleem woman and that can't happen until we make some hard decision and choose to make better choices for our own survival and livelihood. And again, I know someone is going to come out the woodworks and say how their husband came off deathrow by the mercy of Allah, worked 3 jobs and was a better paten than that of their type A ex Muslim husband from bangladesh who wasn't man enough to do and for that I'll join you in saying Alhamdulilah. May Allah keep you both and give that wonderful Muslim man and men like that their full reward. It happens, just not for the majority. For the majority of women, Muslim or not, marrying an ex-con/ex drug dealer/addict/con man/pimp isn't going get you happily ever after. What it might get you is an STD or two, bills, some heartache and other sorts of fitna. Why take that chance from the beginning? Why procreate with someone who may not be able to provide for his ownself much less for a wife or children? It doesn't add up.

What is the solution? That is the question. How can sisters who are stuck being serial divorcees find happiness in marriage? How can Muslim women find good Muslim men of ANY color? What type of changes do Muslim women especially Muslim women of color need to make in themselves inorder to break the cycle of bad marriages for themselves and inshallah as well as their children? What are Muslim women of color not doing that we need to do?

I posted one solution already. Inshallah, now here is your chance to post yours.

Muslim women of color and the choice of men....

2007-07-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

Im of mixed heritage, Guyanese and Native American. But I grew up identifying closely with African American/Black girls in terms of my behavior and outlook. Though due to the community in which I grew up most friends I had in my neighborhood as a youngsters were either Indian or Pakistanian.

I did have two African American friends, Hajar, who I wrote about before and then Maleekah. Hajar and Maleekah were both born Muslim and have Muslim families and were good Muslim girls. Although, unfornately many (not all!) of the Pakistanian and Indian sisters who I grew up with and who I love for the sake of Allah, have gone on to become "cultural" Muslims. My definition of a cultural Muslim is someone who was born and raised in a practicing Muslim home but grew up to become either very laxed in their application of Islam or completely non practicing. The only real claim most cultural Muslims have is to the "culture" of Islam that they may still fondly cherish. And may Allah guide them and us all.

But that's not what I am wanted to write about. What I wanted to write about is Muslim women of color, specifically us brown and black Musleemat and the type of men we choose for marriage. My two African American friends have both as I said been wonderful friends to me. I talk to them both atleast twice a month, (which is a lot considering how expensive it is to call the States from here). The thing is that both are divorced. Hajar has been divorced many times and has a couple of children from those marriages and Maleekah just recently went through her first divorce after waiting many years to wed and is expecting her first baby all by herself. While myself and all my Indian and Pakistanian friends , some of who have less zeal (not all!) for Islam than either Hajar or Maleekah, have been married for many years and have seemingly happy and solid relationships with their husbands.

What could be the problem? That's what I spent 56 minutes talking with Maleekah about a couple of days ago. Now, she thought my conclusions were very controversial so if today you're feeling a bit sensitive now would be the best time to exit my blog. For the rest of you hanging strong, these are my opinions based on my own observations. If you differ, which I expect some will, feel free to leave a comment.

Hajar and Maleeka both have only been married to African American men, mostly reverts to Islam. My other friends all married to either raised Muslims who are Arabs (as I am), white Americans or Asian Muslim men. I'll be blunt from here on out. The problem that I see many religious Muslim sisters of color have with marriage or staying married is that they chose the wrong men to marry from the beginning. And to be even more blunt, religious Muslim women of color have the hardest of times with African American and Latino brothers. Yeah, I know it hurts to put it out there like that, but it needs to be said. Don't take it the wrong way. It's not meant to be a put down of western minority Muslim men. I will actually be the first to say that Alhamdulilah there are some wonderful Black and Latino Muslim men out there in the world who are great, loving, hard working family men who are productive members of their Muslim communities. Though they are an endangered group. Inshallah I am hoping they can make a fierce come back because they're needed, though right now every time a sister of color tells me that she is going through it in her marriage it's at the hands of a Black or Latino Muslim man.

From lying to laziness to cheating/polygyny to extreme poverty to physical and mental abuse to insert whatever problem you want black/brown Muslim women are at the top of the list enduring it. That's a problem and we really need to change that.

What I know to be a good remedy to this problem is for our sisters to make better husband selections. Know the type of men who you need to steer clear of and choose the opposite. To do this you dont have to x off brothers of those beautiful darker hues that many of you prefer. Allah has made all types of Muslim men and the best thing is that we are blessed in that Islam is found every where on this earth. Black and brown Muslim women are really not disadvantaged as many would have us fooled to believe. There's the whole continent of Africa where Allah has put some of the most beautiful Muslim men of color in the world at in places like Nigeria, Ghana, Ethiopia, Egypt, Morroco, Somalia, Sudan and Eriteria and it's an added plus with our North African brothers because they are Arabic speakers. There are also really beautiful brown Muslim men in South east Asia in countries such as Indonesia, Brunei, Malaysia and the Phillippines just to name a few and what I love about South east Asia is that you find many of our brothers there are well versed in the Qur'an. For those sisters who are not hung up on color there are an increasing number of White American and European brothers out there single, looking and open to interracial marriage with brown and black women. Our middle eastern brothers are also a wonderful option and it seems that Musleemat of color are least likely to consider marrying this way for a number of reasons but mostly sisters tell me that they feel that our Arab brothers are only interested in our White western sisters. That could be the farthest from the truth. If you're single and know of a good single Arab brother in your community, go ahead and enquire about him. Insha'Allah, you'd be surprise how many Arabs would prefer women of color. I would suggest marrying our brothers from Yemen, but I'm biased lol. If you can snag a Saudi, Allahu Akbar, even better. It's not impossible. I actually do know of two African American sisters who are married to Saudis and they have beautiful stable, long term marriages.

I can't say I know the reason why marriages amongst western minority Muslims are doing so poorly. Allahu Alim. We may never know. What's apparent is that black and brown sisters need good husbands. Babies are being made and these Muslim children need and have to be raised upon Islam in healthy and loving environments with strong Muslim male role models. And I know someone is thinking it, but it should already be known that the first qualities that any Muslim woman looking to wed must put foremost importance on is the religion and character of any prospects she has. I dont want anyone to leave a comment and say, "who cares about race, deen is most important anyway." Good, strong deen is the most important asset a man can have. There, I said it for you and more importantly I believe it. Now, let's move on because in order to get your the rent or house paid and to have a harmonious marriage brothers need to be well rounded in all areas of life and not just in his pursuit of deeni knowldge.

Other things sisters can do besides not choosing men that statistically don't do well in marriages is to look into his traits. Let's face it bad husbands can and are found in all races, the percentages are just a little different. What to do now? Look at his family and upbringing. Are his parents alive? If so, are they still married? Or was he raised in a single headed family? Did he grow up around domestic violence? How many of his siblings (especially brothers) are in good, strong marriages? How many of his siblings are divorced? Is he previously married? If so, how many times? How many sexual partners has he had (before and after Islam, if he is a revert)?

Do you get the picture? You have to dig deep and be vigilant about finding a match for your own values as a Muslim wife. You have to know already that you deserve good and will not accept less than, half way or left overs. It does require hard work on your part and the part of those assisting you Inshallah to marry a good Muslim man. But You can find him and he can be a great Muslim husband inshallah. You can! Believe that. Trust in that Allah does provide and that whatever you want and desire Allah can give it to you in this life as well as in the hereafter. You can acheive it, inshallah.

Westerners 'are more promiscuous'

2007-07-11T15:24:00.000-04:00

If you have time, read this article. This just reiterates to me that Muslims are following their non Muslim counter parts as the prophet Muhammad (saaws) had forewarned. In the west, it's very common for a Muslim woman/man (especially minorities) to marry early, divorce, and then marry and divorce again and again. Islamically, there is no sin involved as long as the marriage was legally contracted before the intimacy took place and Muslims are quick to point this out defensively. True, let's move past the surface. Our communities are sufferring. The psychological strain of this type of abnormal pattern (whether its being committed by a Muslim woman or man) and it's foundations are clear cut, it's a sickness. Healthy and strong families cannot maintain themselves when its leaders are involved in promiscuous behaviors-halal or not.

"People in western countries tend to have more sexual partners than those in the developing world, a study says."

Who would of thunk it?!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6101970.stm

Increased sexual partners linked to other riskier behavior

2007-06-22T23:55:00.000-04:00

Can't control your desires?

By DAVID CRARY, AP National Writer
1 hour, 43 minutes ago

NEW YORK - It's a question that often prompts a boastful answer or a bashful one: How many sex partners have you had? Now the federal government says it has authoritative statistics, documenting that men are far more likely to play the field than women.

A new nationwide survey, using high-tech methods to solicit candid answers on sexual activity and illegal drug use, finds that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more men.

The median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.

The survey, released Friday, is based on data collected from 1999 to 2002 for the National Center for Health Statistics, a branch of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In previous versions of this survey, participants were asked questions in face-to-face interviews. The CDC believes that caused underreporting of behaviors which might be viewed negatively, although the new survey did not provide any comparative results from earlier reports.

This time, data was gathered from 6,237 adults, aged 20 to 59, in what are called computer-assisted self-interviews — a method designed to provide complete privacy and produce more honest answers.

"This is the first time we've used this technique," said Dr. Kathryn Porter, who served as medical officer for the survey. "The participants have a headset on, they hear questions, they touch the screen with responses. There's no one else in the room and they can take as long as they want."

Porter said the findings would provide grist for further studies, notably on the prevalence and patterns of sexually transmitted diseases.

Though the survey results were presented by the CDC without subjective comment, they will likely provide ammunition to various parties in the ongoing national debate over sex education, cohabitation and access to birth control.

Many of the conservative groups aligned with the Bush administration on social issues promote the goal of sexual abstinence until marriage. The survey found only about 11 percent of never-married adults had remained chaste.

Among the other findings:

_About 96 percent of U.S. adults have had sex.

_Sixteen percent of adults first had sex before age 15, while 15 percent abstained from sex until at least age 21.

_The proportion of adults who first had sex before age 15 was highest for non-Hispanic blacks (28 percent) compared to 14 percent for both Mexican-Americans and non-Hispanic whites.

_Six percent of blacks abstained from sex until age 21 or older, fewer than Mexican-Americans (17 percent) or non-Hispanic whites (15 percent).

_Black men and women were more likely to report having 15 or more partners in a lifetime (46 percent and 13 percent, respectively) than other racial or ethnic groups.

_Seventeen percent of men and 10 percent of women reported having two or more sexual partners in the past year.

_Twenty-five percent of women and 17 percent of men reporting having no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime.

_Twenty-six percent of men and 17 percent of women have tried cocaine or other street drugs (not including marijuana) at some time in their life. Seven percent of men and 4 percent of women had done so within the past 12 months.

_Non-Hispanic whites had a higher percentage of ever using cocaine or street drugs (23.5 percent) than blacks (18 percent) or Mexican-Americans (16 percent).

_Adults who were married or had more than a high school education were less likely to use street drugs than others.

The survey, formally titled the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, did not include the homeless, prisons inmates or other institutionalized adults.

The questions about numbers of sexual partners specified heterosexual relationships, and thus the survey did not measure the extent of gay or lesbian sexual partnerships. However, Porter said there was no such specificity in the questions about ever having had sex or about the age of first sexual activity, so answers to those could have referred to straight or gay sex.

___

On the Net:

The survey: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/ad/ad384.pdf

Slander, Jealousy, and Superior Complexes....not in Islam

2006-11-28T02:02:00.000-05:00

Question:
In recent days there has been a lot of slander against those who call people to Islam (daa’iyahs) and dividing them into groups and categories. What is your opinion on that?

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

Allaah has enjoined justice and good treatment of others, and He has forbidden wrongdoing, hatred and enmity. Allaah sent His Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) with the same message as He sent all the Messengers, namely the call to Tawheed and to worship of Allaah alone. He commanded him to establish justice and forbade him to do the opposite, i.e., to worship anything other than Allaah, to cause division and to transgress against the rights of others.

In these days it has become very common that people who claim to have knowledge and to be calling people to good slander many of their brothers among the well-known daa’iyahs, and they talk about the seekers of knowledge, daa’iyahs and lecturers. They do that in secret in their own gatherings, but it may be recorded on tapes that are distributed among the people, and they may do it openly in public lectures in the mosques. This behaviour goes against the commands of Allaah and His Messenger in several ways.

1 – It is a transgression against the rights of the Muslims, and against the elite of the people, namely the seekers of knowledge and daa’iyahs who are striving to make the people aware and to teach them and correct their beliefs and practices, and to organize lessons and lectures, and to write beneficial books.

2 – It splits the Muslims and causes division in their ranks. They are the most in need of unity and they need to keep away from division, discord and too much gossip amongst themselves, especially when the daa’iyahs who are being slandered are from among the Ahl al-Sunnah wa’l-Jamaa’ah who are well known for their opposition to bid’ah (innovation) and myth, and for standing up against those who promote such things, and for exposing their plots and tricks. We see no benefit to be gained by such actions, except for the enemies who lie in wait for opportunities to harm the Muslims, such as the kaafirs, hypocrites and followers of bid’ah and misguidance.

3 – This action offers support and help for the self-serving among the secularists, westernizers and other heretics who are well known for stirring up trouble among the daa’iyahs and telling lies against them, and inciting people against them in their writings and recordings. It is contrary to Islamic brotherhood for those who are too hasty to help their enemies against their brothers among the seekers of knowledge, daa’iyahs and others.

4 – This spreads corrupts ideas in the hearts and minds of the common folk and elite; it spreads and propagates lies and false rumours, and causes a great deal of backbiting and slander. It leaves the door wide open to evil people who persist in spreading doubts and stirring up fitnah, and who are keen to cause harm to the believers by accusing them of things that they did not do.

5 – Much of what is being said has no basis in reality; rather these are illusions which the Shaytaan has made attractive to them, through which he has tempted them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another…”[al-Hujuraat 49:12]

The believer should interpret what his Muslim brother says in the best possible way. One of the salaf said: Never think of something that is said by your brother as being bad when you still find room for a good interpretation.

6 – Whatever ijtihaad is produced by some scholars or seekers of knowledge, in areas where ijtihaad is permitted, the author of said ijtihaad cannot be blamed or rebuked for it, so long as he is qualified to engage in ijtihaad. If someone else has a different opinion, it is better for him to debate with him in a proper manner, striving to reach the truth via the shortest route and leaving no room for the insinuating whispers of the Shaytaan or for him to cause trouble among the believers. If that is not possible, and someone thinks that he has no choice but to explain what is wrong with his ijtihaad, then he should choose the best wording and the most subtle way of explaining, and not resort to attacking, slandering or going to extremes in criticizing him, which may cause others to reject the truth or to turn away from it. He should also avoid criticizing specific people, casting aspersions upon their intentions or saying unnecessary or irrelevant things about them. In such cases the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would say, “What is the matter with some people who say such and such…?”

The advice I offer to these brothers who have fallen into the sin of slandering the daa’iyahs is to repent to Allaah for the things that they have written or said that may have corrupted the hearts of some youth and filled them with hatred and grudges, and kept them from seeking beneficial knowledge or from calling people to Allaah by making them preoccupied with gossip and talking about this one and that one, and seeking out faults for which they could criticize people, and going to extremes in doing that.

I also advise them to offer expiation for the things that they have done by writing and other means that they think they should not have done, and to remove from people’s minds the wrong ideas they may have given them. They should focus on fruitful actions which will bring them closer to Allaah and will be beneficial to people, and they should beware of being too hasty to accuse people of kufr, fisq and bid’ah without any clear evidence or proof. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever says to his brother ‘O kaafir!’ one of them will be deserving of that description.” (Saheeh, agreed upon).

It is prescribed for those who call others to the truth and for seekers of knowledge, if they are uncertain about something said by a scholar or anyone else, to refer to the prominent scholars and to ask them, so that they can explain the facts of the matter to them and remove the confusion and doubt from their minds, in accordance with the words of Allaah in Soorat al-Nisaa’ (interpretatiuon of the meaning):

“When there comes to them some matter touching (public) safety or fear, they make it known (among the people); if only they had referred it to the Messenger or to those charged with authority among them, the proper investigators would have understood it from them (directly). Had it not been for the Grace and Mercy of Allaah upon you, you would have followed Shaytaan (Satan), save a few of you”[al-Nisaa’ 4:83]

And Allaah is the One Whom we ask to reform all the Muslims and to unite their hearts in taqwa and to bring the scholars of the Muslims and those who call to the truth together in doing that which pleases Him and will benefit His slaves. May He unite them in following guidance and protect them against all the causes of division and dissent; may He support the truth through them and humiliate falsehood through them, for He is the One Who is able to do that. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad and his family and companions, and those who follow his guidance until the Day of Resurrection.

Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Maqaalaat Mutanawwi’ah li Samaahat al-Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him), vol. 7, p. 311.

Islam and Dating: by Imam Abdul Malik

2006-11-12T11:57:00.001-05:00


Imam Abdul Malik talks about dating and the Islamic way from a common sense perspective. He touches on the issue of hipocracy within Muslim communities today and within Muslim families. Excellent lecture for youth and adults alike. Abdul Malik is a motivational speaker who focuses on the reality. Inshallah, I hope you will take the time to listen and learn! Enjoy, inshallah!

Romance, Love ... the spice of a Musleema's life!

2006-10-28T12:52:00.000-04:00

"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
--Jaka

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
--Alexander Smith

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
--Erich Fromm

You know, I have never been on a casual date with some sexually frustrated, doting infactuated young boy, never been taken out to dinner every night of the week by different charming fellows, never danced the night a way at a swanky, dim lighted club with every man with rhythmic feet, never obsessed over fairy tale dresses and gone out to any proms, balls with a handsome tuxedo clad guy. Alhamdulilah, I had to wait on every normal occurance in most American young womens' lives.

I've missed out on so much (so they say) and yet, I feel I've been given the opportunity to experience so much more in terms of romance and love. Waiting. Believing. Fearing. Being Me. Muslim. Alhamdulilah. Seven years ago a man came into my life. Though he never approached me. Never. Never called me. Never even sent me an email. Every form of communication came through my parents. Infact, my mother talked with this man every day, two and three times some days. They talked, discussed. Laughed and bonded. Because of me. We married and for the first time in my life I sat next to a man. Not just any man. A Muslim man. Over ten years older than I. Bearded. Attar Majmua oil perfumed thoub and izar. Tall. Shy. Eyes lowered, a bit afraid...my husband.

Seven years now I've been sharing my life with this man who values the same things that I value, who worships as I do and places the same importance on it... love, halal love and romance, is there is anything better in this dunya? Today (just today cause you know us women folk are fickle, lol), I know of nothing better.

Whoever says romance doesn't have any place in the lives of the Musleema, didn't know me. Then again Mr.Muslim says I'm different, it's the spice of this Musleema's life. Not ashamed to be thriving off of it. I received a text message at fajr, a reminder of prayer, of love, hope and other loving things... a necessary. I'm not alone in my needs. Just a girl. A Muslim girl. In love with love and romance too. Isn't this what every woman needs to varying degrees....love and romance?

Sisters get the love you need and desire. It's out there. It does exist. It really does. Romantic and loving Muslim men are out there. Don't deny yourself of something that you need to be happy in this life. Don't settle and then spend the rest of your life complaining and fighting with a man who can never be what you need. Don't try to change a grown man either. Let's work on ourselves first. Be honest and loving to yourself and inshallah those qualities will manifest in the those around you as well.

PM Blair Criticizes the niqab....

2006-10-20T23:00:00.000-04:00

"It is a mark of separation and that is why it makes other people from outside the community feel uncomfortable.

"No-one wants to say that people don't have the right to do it. That is to take it too far. But I think we need to confront this issue about how we integrate people properly into our society."

Now the question must be asked: What is the "right" way for people to integrate into a society? Should all signs of one's previous life; names, religion, culture, language, and clothing be stripped away before one can be accepted in their new land?

Integration is defined as incorporating individuals of different groups as equals in a society. Yet PM Tony Blair's gross use of the word is more similar to the definition of forced assimilation much like what was done to the Native Americans and the West African slaves in the Americas.

Muslims: men and women, muhajabat (hijab wearers) and non muhajabat, munaqabah (niqab wearers) and non munaqabah, please pay attention to this debate heating up in the UK. No matter where you think you stand on the issue, pay attention. There is a bigger picture that we Muslims must be aware of and that is that these law makers (who have a hard enough time handling their own domestic affairs let alone the multitude of international issues that they poke their noses in) desire to dictate and reshape Islam to not only the world but to Muslims as well. And we know, by Allah, the pen has been lifted and the ink has dried.

The Noble Qur'an - Al-Ahzab 33:59

O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks all over their bodies.

Do not be fooled. This is not a debate about whether the niqab is mandatory or not. Put that idea away for a moment. Read the aya above in Arabic and then in English and it should at the very least be clear to everyone that Allahu Ta'ala has made the wearing of the niqab a permissible accessory for Muslim women, case closed - nothing left for anyone to say, especially non Muslim statesmen! How incredibly arrogant of these officials to discuss my God given right as if they have a voice of power after the Lord of all of mankind? Oh yes, they're uncomfortable was the reason! Really?

We Muslims are uncomfortable too Mr.Blair. We are uncomfortable every time we step out of our homes and scantily clad women parade infront of our families and youth. We are uncomfortable when we have to go out to public places and have our ears filled with profanity or our eyes fall upon pornographic bill board ads! But yet, there has never been any debate about those declining moral values in any western society. Why is that? Could it be that perhaps with the declining moral values the western world is not interested in the morals of individuals? This is a fact that anyone can easily substaniate with a quick goole. So why pick on those who wish to wear additinal clothing?

Odd? Extremely. Suspect? Of course. Unexpected? Never...

"And never will the Jews and Christians be pleased with you until you follow their religions." (2:120)

A Muslim woman who chooses to cover herself completely is human, just like the non woman who chooses to go outside in a trendy micro mini skirt, a sheer blouse and knee high boots. Both most likely have family, friends, good qualities as well as some negatives. They also may be employees or own businesses. They both could be contributing members of their respective communities? So what is problem? The problem is the Muslim woman appears too committed to her Creator and Islam, while the non Muslim woman may not have any religion at all.

Hadith - Bukhari 6:282

'Aisha (ra) used to say: "When (the Verse): 'They should draw their veils over their necks and bosoms,' was revealed, (the ladies) cut their waist sheets at the edges and covered their faces with the cut pieces."

It is the mere practice of Islam by Muslim women to a degree that in this day and age that is deemed by some westerners as unnecessary and a hinderance that is uncomfortable to Mr. Blair and his peers.

As a Muslim woman who has chosen to cover my face seeking only to gain a reward from Allah, my response to Mr.Blair and his peers' comfort level is: Tough! My niqab is as much a part of my life as your suit and tie are to you. I value it and the rememberance it gives to me. Make no mistake, the niqab nor the hijab has no power to change me or affect my ability to do or achieve anything. The niqab is an aditional show of respect and modesty by myself and other Muslim women. A respect and modesty that we are trying to attain through no other than our Lord.

Dictating what is comfortable and acceptable for a group of people is discrimination, not integration. It is arrogant and it is out of PM Blair's scope of power to do. The pen has been lifted and ink has dried.

“And Allah is predominant over His affairs, but most of the people do not know.” [Yusuf: 21]

Shaykh al Uthaymeen (rh) on women disliking to be involved polygyny

2006-10-11T23:18:00.000-04:00

Question:

What is the ruling on a woman hating polygyny because of jealousy, since jealousy is something natural in women, and we read of the jealousy of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) concerning the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)? So where do we stand? I have learned from reading some books that hating one of the rulings of sharee’ah is tantamount to kufr.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

A woman’s jealousy concerning her husband is something that is innate and natural, and you cannot tell a woman, “Do not feel jealous over your husband.” If a person dislikes something even though it is prescribed in sharee’ah, that does not adversely affect him, so long as he does not hate the fact that it is prescribed. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

Jihaad (holy fighting in Allaah’s Cause) is ordained for you (Muslims) though you dislike it, and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you…” [al-Baqarah 2:216]

The woman who feels jealous does not hate the fact that Allaah has allowed her husband to marry more than one woman, but she hates to have a co-wife. There is an obvious difference between the two matters. Hence I hope that the brother who has asked this question, and other people, will think carefully about matters and not rush to judgement; I hope that that they will recognize the subtle differences whereby rulings differ.

From the fatwas of Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen for al-Da’wah magazine

Ramadhan Mubarak!

2006-09-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

"The month of Ramadan in which was revealed the Qur'an, a guidance for mankind and clear proofs for the guidance and the criterion (between right and wrong). So whoever of you sights (the crescent on the first night of) the month (of Ramadhan i.e. is present at his home), he must observe fasts that month, and whoever is ill or on a journey, the same number (of days which one did not observe fasts must be made up) from other days. Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you. (He wants that you) must complete the same number (of days), and that you must magnify Allah ( i.e. to say Takbir (Allahu Akbar; Allah is the Most Great) for having guided you so that you may be grateful to Him."

(Al-Baqarah 2:185)

The best of me

2006-09-16T15:00:00.000-04:00

As I made my way through the Muslimah Bloghood this week, I came across some postings that have just bogged my mind and weighed upon it heavily. I don't know any way to aide those who need help except through beseeching Alla's help for them - so I pray Allah eases the affairs of the Muslims. I pray Allah gives victory to the oppressed. I pray Allah strenghtens the weak and humbles those who think they are strong. And I pray Allah raises the status of all Muslim women in this life and in the hereafter.

Whilst I was drawing up my conditions for living with my husband (in the case he should ever marry again) in his country, the things that I needed to convey poured out from me easily, bi'ithnillah. Subhannallah, I remember thinking how good it felt to say the things I needed and the things I did not, Alhamdulilah. Yes, my heart gets heavy at times when I think of the possibility of enforcing my contract on my husband and the outcome that would have on us. Though I know my heart, mind, soul and body would suffer in the end if I don't handle these issues now and look out for the best of me and my needs for living my own life in worship to Allah in the future. The future is that we all will meet Allah alone on a day when friendships in this life will not protect us. Writing a this new contract is about setting myself up in an situation where I can get the most benefit. It is about honesty. It is about survival. We all have basic necessities that we need in order to ultimately keep our duty to Allah. This has to come first. Wallahi, it has to. If you don't have peace of mind, how can you worship Allah- whether you are male or female. And as a female this is even more important, I think. Lots of times I have to remind my husband of the seriousness of the responsibility that Allah has placed on the woman. Yes, the men have been given more, but that doesn't negate or lessen the things that Allah has entrusted to us.The managing of the home, tending the husband's needs, cooking, keeping relations with her parents as well as any inlaws, and the rearing of her children-if she has any. I don't have children yet, inshallah, later. Though clearly anyone can see that with a schedule like this, the Muslim woman is someone who has to have a sturdy, durable character. She doesn't just have to be fit physically, but emotionally too. The responsibility is non stop. There are no breaks. There is always something to do for others. Yet, it is a must that you find time to nourish yourself.

What is nourishment? I think this is an important question. We are not all the same. Salat and siyam and dhikr we all can use, Alhamdulilah. And without a doubt these are the best nourishments anyone can have at their disposal. But is that it? Of course not. A nice, encouraging or even romantic conversation/night with one's spouse can do wonders for our mind and soul. Exercise of any kind helps, good friendships helps, loving family relationships help - anything that is halal (permissible) that helps to bring out the best of you, should be utilized to keep us healthy, inside and out. Why? Because our goal has to be to always be in state of mind where we can be pleasing to Allah.

Although, in the same way that things can nourish us, other things can be negatively draining on us. I was speaking with my husband on the phone late one night and he was telling me about how a brother we know is an only child. This man is almost 40, Mashallah and he is the most dutiful son I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Alhamdulilah. His mother loves him crazy and has always been very upfront with him that he is all Allah has given her. She reared him to respect her much. A year ago this man got married. He got himself a young bride and she moved from her country to her husbands'. She depended mostly on her husband because she knew no one. The mother liked the wife but subhanallah, for some reason she just didn't know how to develop a healthy relationship. Instead of pushing her son to spend time with his new bride she demanded he spend more and more time away. This had recently caused the couple a lot of discord. The husband felt stuck. The bride felt neglected. The mother just needed her way. So during our talk my husband was telling how the young bride has since returned her own country and her husband was strucken with a lot grief, but had agreed to the separation. I was so heart broken to hear this, but when I thought of this young Muslimah deciding to return to own family rather than stay with the man she loves, I thought, WOW, Mashallah, what a strong Muslimah she is! I know many Muslim women double her age who after many, many years of varying degrees of treatment that wasn't nourishing for them choose to continue to stay time and time again. The love their husband throgh the thick, the thin, the ugly, the downright stupid and the outright abuse. Yes, wallahi, I know, it is their choice to make. I don't fault them for making a choice. Though, Allah has given us choice for a reason. Always this reason is for us to choose to be pleasing to Him, not anyone or anything else. This young Muslim of 20 years of age saw that her husband was unable to be give her what she needed in terms of the way she wanted to be loved and the time she needed for companionship (which are necessities in any marriage), so she took the high road and left. May be things could have gotten better with a lot of struggle, Allah know best, but we all know how mother in laws like that can be - they're going fight you all the way to the end. It's not beneficial to go through all of that. Now, her husband is looking for employment in his wife's country and has agreed that she can stay with her family until he moves there because that would be a better arrangement. Inshallah, Allah will grant him something soon.

See but that's what I mean about things being draining. Only we know what we can take. No one else can or should tell you how much you need to take to be drained before you had enough - UNLESS, you in a life or death situation. By all means, someone must intervene. Though ordinarily that isn't the case. I know some men with wicked short tempers, they can't take even a simple ..but from their children or spouse without losing their cool. And this type of behavior is diffinately not from the best of the Muslim men, but realistically, there are many Muslim men who exist in this world like that. And then their are those Muslim men who no matter what the wife or children says or does he isn't bothered or worried in the least, everything is its just Mashallah.

In between those two extremes is a middle that most people, not just Musims, fall into. Know your limits. Know what pleases you. Know what angers you. Know what calms you. Know you. Know the best of you. Nourish the best of you. Love the best of you. Encourage the best of you. And always stand up for the best of you. In return, I've found that if you can do that for you, you'll be better equiped to handle your obligations to your family, friends and most importantly your obligations to Allahuta'ala.

May Allahutala increase us all in good, strong character and make our speech and actions only for His sake.

Our duty is to Allaah

2006-09-01T11:26:00.000-04:00

“And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine”

[al-Talaaq 65:2-3]

Post Office adventure

2006-08-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

I got up early this morning and went to the post office to apply for my passport and gosh, you would have thought I had seven ears , a tail and a purple face, lol. I guess I had worst than that. I had on a niqab and jilbab. Yup, the ninja suit, lol. Seeing how Americans are so in love with martial artists, you would think American munaqabaa would get more love, but we don't.

It's been almost 11 years now (mashallah) since I put on the niqab, so stares are not a problem for the most part. I hate enclosed buildings though. Especially the "gobbment" buildings. There's always some crazy caucasion who thinks it's their job to get in your buisness; "whaddya doing up so early?", "come here all the time?", "Live 'round these parts?" - I like to play the ignore game my husband taught me with those crazies. That is til they over test my patience; "YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH?" (caps for shouting) lol and it just comes out, "sure, I speak english sir, but I'm not interested in talking to strangers," and the funniest thing is when folks get offended for offending you. Allahul Musta'3an.

So back to the story, I'm standing in line wearing my lovely black ninjabi suit and this Mexican lady brought in the about 15 chicken coups filled with live chickens! They were just a clucking away. For a second the chickens had stolen the spotlight from me as all the city folk marvelled at them. I wasn't impressed though since as a city girl I prefer my chickens dead, cleaned and prepared with flour and Lawry's Seasonings Salt. I keep looking forward. The chinese lady infront of me inches up and I follow suit. Every now and again she glances back towards the chickens. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then the chinese lady gets out of line (we'd been waiting for about 10 minutes by now) and starts for the door. On her way out she stops by the chickens and gets a look. Right as the Mexican lady is called up to the teller, the chinese lady snatches a chicken coup and makes a dash out of the door like she was olympic runner Marion Jones!!!! The postal employess get on the phone and start calling security, but it's too late chinese lady is G-O-N-E like the wind. I'm rolling so hard under my niqab by now I started fanning it some so I don't choke on my saliva, lol. Everyone in the Post Office is standing around looking dumbfounded and the Mexican lady is livid, rightfully so, her chickens were stolen. And the moral of the story? Had everyone not been preoccupied with the little Muslimah with her face covered, the crook wouldn't of gotten away with the chickens. End of the story.

When comes the help?

2006-07-23T12:31:00.000-04:00

With all that is going on in this dunya, some times I wonder how I can sleep at night. As believers we believe and take it for granted. We harm one another so easily in our marriages, in business dealings, even within the masjid, we've forgotten what good adab is and can easily harm one another. It's a blessing to feel safe in a time when many Muslims; men, women and children are unsafe. There's so much oppression, disunity, dishonestly, poverty, corruption in the world, I just wonder when comes the help from Allah?

إِذَا جَاء نَصْرُ اللَّهِ وَالْفَتْحُ

When comes the Help of Allâh (to you, O Muhammad (Peace be upon him) against your enemies) and the conquest (of Makkah), (An-Nasr 110:1)

وَرَأَيْتَ النَّاسَ يَدْخُلُونَ فِي دِينِ اللَّهِ أَفْوَاجًا

And you see that the people enter Allâh's religion (Islâm) in crowds (An-Nasr 110:2)

فَسَبِّحْ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّكَ وَاسْتَغْفِرْهُ إِنَّهُ كَانَ تَوَّابًا

So glorify the Praises of your Lord, and ask for His Forgiveness. Verily, He is the One Who accepts the repentance and forgives. (An-Nasr 110:3)

Aya

2006-07-05T22:14:00.000-04:00

Allah is the protector (ally) of those who believe, He takes them out of the darknesses into the light. As for the disbelievers, their allies are the taaghoot who take them out of the light and into the darknesses.

Surah al Baqarah